Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Faking It

I had a fantastic brunch with my girlfriend, Rena.  Fantastic.  Rena has been such a dear friend.  She has stuck by me through mommy group drama, husband drama, and everything in between.  She has shown up to parties with homemade master pieces, supplied the yummiest veggies for my garden, and given me lots of advice regarding food.  Rena knows my history with food, including the bulima.  So I always feel like I can just put whatever issue I am having right out on the table and she is always there with some insight or a different perspective.  And she never judges me... and there have been plenty of opportunities for her to do so.  She is one of my favorite people on the planet.

I am supposed to be kid free.  The universe is playing a joke on me, however, because I have had exactly one kid free day in my week and a half of "freedom,"  and I was sick.  They are both even here today with high fevers, and one is carrying around the "throw up bucket."  But I was determined to make it out to see her and Bob called in sick to work on issues with his car.  I took the opportunity and bolted out the door!

I don't really go to restaurants anymore.  There is some financial forcing of that going on, but mostly it's just because I am afraid of them.  Since college restaurants have only been opportunities to over indulge (notice I didn't just say indulge).  I have dealt with those over indulgences in different, but all harmful, ways throughout the years.  So I just started avoiding them.  I don't often make it to girls' nights and Bob has supported me in trying to do different things on our random date nights.  We have found a couple of places that I really enjoy that are on the healthier side of eating out and I met Rena at one of them.  Right out of the starting gate I became anxious with what to choose.   I know I am supposed to pick the healthiest option.  But the breakfast quesadilla was calling me and I felt stuck.  Rena, as she does with many things, walked me through it.  On one hand, I don't go out to eat very often so it is ok for me to pick something that is not necessarily the healthiest option.  But on the other, historically, I NEVER pick the healthiest option; and having guilty feelings that lead to self destructive behavior is a pattern I need to change.  But do I need to change it by always choosing the healthier option, or do I allow myself to indulge a bit and then work on processing those emotions in a healthier manner?  (See? Head case.)  I eventually settled on the latter and chose the quesadilla.  Which was larger then I expected, but had more veggies then I expected and ultimately felt like a middle choice.  But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a wave of panic that ran through me realizing how large it was.  But I ate it. Every last bite of it.  But slowly and with great conversation all the way through that put me at ease. 

At some point in the conversation I made a comment about "faking it till I make it."  I explained that I had taken on the approach in some situations because I hoped that eventually I would believe the thing I was pretending to believe.  She immediately disagreed with me.  She explained that she had actually given this sentiment some thought and had ultimately come to the conclusion that if you just work on faking things then you aren't really making progress.  You're just learning how to fake it.  And it's a valid argument.  Because, as she also pointed out, how many people just go through their lives faking it?  Faking that they're happy, faking that they love their job, faking that their children are perfect, faking that their life is perfect?!  Is that who I want to be?  Someone who is always pretending?  No.  Despite all my flaws, I know that I strive to be honest with myself and with others.  I don't want to pretend that I think I'm good enough.  I want to KNOW that I'm good enough.  I don't want to pretend that I am making progress in this journey; I want to get into my own mud and MAKE progress.

Needless to say it was a fantastic lunch that was good for my soul.  Everyone needs at least one friend like Rena.  Someone who is always real with you, always compassionate with you, and leaves you with your heart a bit lighter then it was before you had brunch.

* I want to note that I lucky to have many solid, dear, amazing friends in my life!  This is just about one of them...*

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