Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Debby Downer

I have been having a rough time.  It has been much harder then I thought giving up my trainer. Yes, I still get to do a boot camp with him but there is a large part of me that wishes I would have kept it one on one. I know that in the end this is probably all for the best.  I cannot depend on anyone but myself to see me through this....but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss not only having a personal coach but someone that checked in with me every week and cared about where I was at with all of it.  It's been bringing me down a little bit. Ok, a lot a bit.

I have been doing my work outs.  And I have been doing them hard.  I'm trying to use the visualization tactics all my soccer coaches used to try and get me to do.  I couldn't ever quite get the hang of it but now I get it.  Because not only am I visualizing myself finishing that 5K, I'm visualizing Mike standing on the end of the machine urging me to push harder. 

I know that I can do this.  I have to do this.  I will do this.  But Bob is doing more running, less gym, Andrea and Mike are at Lifetime, and I find myself once again completely alone in that stupid gym.   I'm so confused and conflicted.  How can this whole journey be about finding myself when I'm struggling being by myself?  Is that the ultimate lesson I am supposed to learn here? Why am I not enough for myself? Why do I always have to have someone telling me how good I'm doing so that I feel good about what I'm doing?

I'm not giving up.  I've come too far to give up.  But I'm in a rough spot and wish i had someone to check in with about it.

Maybe I don't need a trainer, maybe I need a shrink.