Friday, January 31, 2014

When's Your Monday?

Monday.  The day every diet begins.  The day you will "start over."

But sometimes, you blow it on Monday.

I was one of these people. Monday will be the day I eat perfectly, I will exercise my ass off, I will do everything perfect.  Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.  Until I would make a poor decision on Monday.  And then I felt like I had failed.  I have said horrible things to myself about these failures.  And then, I shit you not, I would wait until the next Monday to start over.  That made sense to me.  "Well, I've already not done it perfectly so I may as well have another donut."  Every day until next Monday.

Changing the expectation that I have to do this perfectly has been one of the most pivotal changes in thinking I've had.  I don't have to be perfect.  Sometimes I will totally fall off the wagon.  I will totally have a bad day and want a stupid imperfect donut.  But it doesn't negate everything I have been doing.  It doesn't take away all of the other successes I have had.  It just means tomorrow I have to work out maybe a little bit harder and get back on the wagon.  That's the only option for me at this point.  There is no turning back.  There is no quitting.  Never again will I give up on myself.

Even if Monday is a train wreck.  Screw Monday.  Tuesday is a new day.  I don't have to make the same choices on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. There is no diet that I have to succeed at perfectly.  No fast or cleanse that I have to follow to a T.  I am trying to change my life, forever.  My way of thinking, my way of being, forever.

I had to remind myself of this because this past Monday was not a great day for me.  I did not make the best decisions and fell into the trap of feeling really badly about myself.  Then to top it off I got on the scale today.  I'm up 2 pounds.  My once a month weigh in was a complete failure.  But I didn't tail spin.  (Ok. It made me a bit grumpier then I may have been.)  But I got my butt into the gym tonight and had a personal best on my jog.  That's what I have to focus on.  Monday sucked.  Tuesday I tried to rally.  But it's Friday....

And I rocked it today.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Easy Peezy?

I'm annoyed.

Seriously, seriously annoyed.

As many of you know one of my new healthy habits I adopted a while back was to read articles and blogs that inspired healthy living.  I have some on my tool bar and I check and read them every morning before I even get out of bed.  On one of those sites, I read an article....

And for me, it was one of those condescending parenting articles.  If you only do this, then your child will do that.  Voila!  But as a parent, I have quickly learned that despite your best intentions, it just might not play out that way.  I cringed at the tone of the article.  Not because it was a horrible article.  I think it's great that the author and his wife lead a healthy lifestyle and role model that to their children, who now eat salad willingly.  Bravo. You hit it out of the ball park.  But to state that it is "easy" is just not a universal truth.  And it does then imply that you aren't trying hard enough or being a good role model if you happen to have one of those picky eaters, or a kid resistant to change.  That's where you step into the parent trap.  You do not know better then everyone else.  And though food may not be your issue, I assure you that the day will come when you realize that despite your best intentions and efforts, your little cherub is a person and ultimately will do whatever he wants (or doesn't want) to do.  You don't really know how that will play out.

But I also think the article is a bit dangerous because many people (myself included) have trouble with negative thinking.  I will blame myself before you blame me, trust me on that.  I will tell myself a million times it's something I'm not doing right.  So the article did trigger me.  Absolutely.  And I have to check myself on why something triggers me. But the response I got about the article being a bit condescending was, well....condescending.  Some people said I was defensive (it's possible) but what annoyed me the most were the comments saying, "Finally someone finally gets it!" Like he was Ghandi for saying if you like veggies your kids will like them to!  I was relieved to read other comments from people who also feel like it's not that simple all the time.  I was starting to think I was living in the twilight zone where everyone's kids eat all veggies all the time but mine. (See? A touch of defensiveness).

 I want to offer an extension to the article and say that if you have made healthy changes in your life and that hasn't trickled down to other members of your family, that's ok.  All you can really do is be a good role model and keep trying.  Your kids, your spouse, your extended family members are all individual people.  They may or may not pick up on your changing habits.  Don't feel bad about that or responsible for it.  Or if you are responsible for it (I absolutely did not eat healthy while Aid, in particular, was in utero) then all you can do is try to help change any negative habits that you helped instill.  Don't beat yourself up for it.  Don't feel less then if you have the picky eater.  If I am being brutally honest with myself, I go in waves where I try harder at times then at other times.  Do I just give in and make them mac and cheese sometimes because I cannot handle one more argument? Absolutely! Because it's not "that" easy.  We're all doing the best that we can to not only be healthy, but to raise healthy kids.  Keep trying.  I'm going to keep trying.

For some of us, none of this is easy.  And it's ok to admit that.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Faking It

I had a fantastic brunch with my girlfriend, Rena.  Fantastic.  Rena has been such a dear friend.  She has stuck by me through mommy group drama, husband drama, and everything in between.  She has shown up to parties with homemade master pieces, supplied the yummiest veggies for my garden, and given me lots of advice regarding food.  Rena knows my history with food, including the bulima.  So I always feel like I can just put whatever issue I am having right out on the table and she is always there with some insight or a different perspective.  And she never judges me... and there have been plenty of opportunities for her to do so.  She is one of my favorite people on the planet.

I am supposed to be kid free.  The universe is playing a joke on me, however, because I have had exactly one kid free day in my week and a half of "freedom,"  and I was sick.  They are both even here today with high fevers, and one is carrying around the "throw up bucket."  But I was determined to make it out to see her and Bob called in sick to work on issues with his car.  I took the opportunity and bolted out the door!

I don't really go to restaurants anymore.  There is some financial forcing of that going on, but mostly it's just because I am afraid of them.  Since college restaurants have only been opportunities to over indulge (notice I didn't just say indulge).  I have dealt with those over indulgences in different, but all harmful, ways throughout the years.  So I just started avoiding them.  I don't often make it to girls' nights and Bob has supported me in trying to do different things on our random date nights.  We have found a couple of places that I really enjoy that are on the healthier side of eating out and I met Rena at one of them.  Right out of the starting gate I became anxious with what to choose.   I know I am supposed to pick the healthiest option.  But the breakfast quesadilla was calling me and I felt stuck.  Rena, as she does with many things, walked me through it.  On one hand, I don't go out to eat very often so it is ok for me to pick something that is not necessarily the healthiest option.  But on the other, historically, I NEVER pick the healthiest option; and having guilty feelings that lead to self destructive behavior is a pattern I need to change.  But do I need to change it by always choosing the healthier option, or do I allow myself to indulge a bit and then work on processing those emotions in a healthier manner?  (See? Head case.)  I eventually settled on the latter and chose the quesadilla.  Which was larger then I expected, but had more veggies then I expected and ultimately felt like a middle choice.  But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a wave of panic that ran through me realizing how large it was.  But I ate it. Every last bite of it.  But slowly and with great conversation all the way through that put me at ease. 

At some point in the conversation I made a comment about "faking it till I make it."  I explained that I had taken on the approach in some situations because I hoped that eventually I would believe the thing I was pretending to believe.  She immediately disagreed with me.  She explained that she had actually given this sentiment some thought and had ultimately come to the conclusion that if you just work on faking things then you aren't really making progress.  You're just learning how to fake it.  And it's a valid argument.  Because, as she also pointed out, how many people just go through their lives faking it?  Faking that they're happy, faking that they love their job, faking that their children are perfect, faking that their life is perfect?!  Is that who I want to be?  Someone who is always pretending?  No.  Despite all my flaws, I know that I strive to be honest with myself and with others.  I don't want to pretend that I think I'm good enough.  I want to KNOW that I'm good enough.  I don't want to pretend that I am making progress in this journey; I want to get into my own mud and MAKE progress.

Needless to say it was a fantastic lunch that was good for my soul.  Everyone needs at least one friend like Rena.  Someone who is always real with you, always compassionate with you, and leaves you with your heart a bit lighter then it was before you had brunch.

* I want to note that I lucky to have many solid, dear, amazing friends in my life!  This is just about one of them...*

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Blogging World

I initially started this blog in an attempt to work through my crap and figure out how I got to where I got.  And I got to 255 pounds.  If you  have been following my blog, or know me at all, or don't live under a rock, you know that I tend to ruminate over things.  So I figured that starting a blog would be like writing in a journal.  I could process my feelings and give them a healthier place to be.  I think it has helped me.  I've certainly come a long way from that first entry.

Along the way, I have gotten a bit of teasing for posting so much.  I have felt exposed, vulnerable, and desperate.  But I have also realized that it's not me just asking for support anymore.  I am now in a position where I can support other people!   I can be an inspiration.  Maybe something that I write triggers something in someone else.  Maybe someone else can see themselves in me.  Maybe my willingness to be raw and real allows someone else to do the same.  It's not just me.  I am not unique in this fight.  I am not the only one who didn't know what to do at 255 pounds, but knew that I needed to do something.  I'm not the only one who has stood on that scale and either wanted to throw it through the window or sob hysterically.  I'm not the only one struggling with those last 10-20 pounds worried they may never get there.

Recently I have decided to try and expand my audience.  I have been getting more hits on my posts and it made me wonder if my words have more impact then I thought.  Maybe they don't, I don't know.  Maybe I have a stalker who has read them 70 times and I'll have pie in my face.  But maybe my story has touched someone and in helping myself I am also helping someone else.

So I've joined twitter. (WHAT?) and Pinterest.  I have started posting my blog entries on those sites to see if more people are interested.  With Pinterest I have to attach a picture to each post, which I find annoying because sometimes they just don't seem appropriate. (I'm not entirely sold on the concept that Pinterest is the best place to promote a blog but we'll see). 

I'd love for you to follow me and help cheer me on along the way, or offer insight or advice, or post your own comments!! Thank you again for the ongoing support and love that I always receive from most of you!  I truly truly appreciate it.

Happy Blogging ya'll!

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Today I'm a Peacock

You know what I mean.  The person who is posting about how great they are every 5 seconds?
I think I have been accused of this.  Or possibly it was just a conversation that I took took personally (cause I NEVER do that).  All I could really do was laugh (after my 20 seconds of total shame) because anyone who knows me knows that I'm not showing off. I'm building myself up.  Because my natural instinct, my gut response is to tear myself down.  I'm always fairly shocked when someone has complimented me.  And then I spend the next 2 days over analyzing the compliment.

What I head case I am.

But today I embrace the peacock.  Yesterday I had a killer workout and I think I impressed my trainer, which is SO peacock worthy.  It was leg day, which is a strength of mine.  Standing squat with 135 pounds. Boom! Right?  Then this morning I took a new spin class.  Since I have been working on my own instruction I have become a bit choosier about what spin class I take.  You can't impress me with tricks.  I need hard core authentic ass kicking only.  And this lady had it.  I will be back.  But during one of the sprint intervals she shouted, "Who is going to beat me?"  She hit the trigger button.  "Wait. This is a race? Well then I must destroy you."  "Karen is beating me!" She yelled!  And then one of my regular co spinners yelled back, "That's cause she's an instructor too!"  And while I'm not technically one yet, it was literally the best thing anyone could have said to me.

It's been an empowering couple of days for me!  And I'm not going to shy away from telling you about it cause someone might judge me.  I'm spreading my feathers today and fanning them out!

Find your inner peacock today! Shout it from the roof top!  I know people get all weird about sharing feelings,but I want to hear all about how great you really are!!

Friday, January 10, 2014

I Dare You to Share!

If you've started on a weight loss or fitness journey what was your motivation?  Did you have a light bulb moment?  Was there a long build up before making the the final decision to start something?  What is it that keeps you going?

My light bulb moment came when Aid was about 3.  We went to the playground to play.  Suddenly Aid took off across the open field.  "Come get me mama!"  "Ugh, not chase," I thought.  I really just wanted him to play on the playground equipment while I watched him.  "But mama!!! I want to play with you! Come get me!!"  So I ran out after him.  I lasted exactly 2 minutes and I never even got close to catching him.  My 3 year old.

It was unacceptable to me.  My kid wanted me to play with him and I couldn't do it.  I made a commitment to start exercising.  And I did.  Mike asked me what my motivation was and I relayed this story to him.  As you know, there have been highs and lows in this journey.  But throughout the entire way I remembered how it felt not to be able to play tag with my kid. And even in my darkest moments of self doubt I have told myself that I will not go backwards.  This time I will not quit on myself. 

It's a New Year peeps!!  It's never too late to start making healthy changes in your life!  And if you've started and quit, there's no shame in starting again.  So what's your goal? Or motivation? I'd love to hear your story.  We all inspire and help each other, even when we don't realize we're doing it.  Feel free to leave a comment below (or on facebook)! It sincerely helps me to realize I am not alone in all of this!

Keep on, keeping on!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Wednesday Weigh In Abuse.

I first want to say thank you to anyone following my blog, offering support or insight as I make my way on this journey.  I'm sure I sound self indulgent to some, whiny to others, and repetitive to most.  I get it.  This has been a rough road for me, full of challenges.  Some of those challenges I have met with success, and some I am still struggling to meet.  Emotionally I still stumble and fall more often then not.  So thank you for hanging in there with me and not judging me. And if you are judging me....well I think you can imagine what my response to you would be.


This is a big deal for me.  I skipped my Wednesday weigh in last week and I'm skipping it today.  I had a moment of clarity while working out with my friend Andrea (Mike's wife).  I cannot participate in any weight loss challenge and I cannot get on the scale more then once a month for just a check in.  It's abusive.  It is.  And I continue to do it.  And I know you have heard this from me before.  But apparently this self love thing is very hard for me to do.  I don't really know why.  I realize that from time to time Mike will need to check on progress in some fashion, but I don't need to know the numbers anymore.  Even if they are positive. My goals need to stay oriented around fitness and performance.  Not weight loss.   Hopefully that will be a benefit of any success I have with my fitness achievements,  but I have to change my goal....even though I haven't met my original weight loss goal.  (I am 15 pounds away from where I want to be and have been for about 2 years now.  That's one hell of a plateau by the way.) The difference of how I felt emotionally at the end of the weight loss challenge, verses how I felt at the end of the training session where I had to try to finish in a certain amount of time (and did by the way!) is staggering. And telling. 

So I don't know what the scale says today.  Today it doesn't matter. Today I am going to get some very light walking in and then curl up on the couch with some tea and nurse my sore throat. 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My Inner Mean Girl

Yep. I got one.  And she's a bitch.  She really is.  She's judgmental, she's moody, she says horrible things to me, and she always has something negative to say.  When someone says I look good the mean girl says, "No you don't.  Your thighs are still too big."  When I KILLED myself on the 12 day challenge she smirked and said, "But you didn't lose a single pound. Of anything. AND your neck got bigger."  When I have posted something heartfelt and someone either ignores it or makes fun of me she's right there, "I told you you shouldn't have dared to share your feelings."

Why do I keep her around? She's wretched.  In fact I would never be friends with her.  Even as I say that I hear her reminding me that lots of people don't want to be friends with me either.

She's mean.  And she's constantly there.

So my New Years Resolution for 2014 is to drop this bitch.  GONE.  They say that your goals should be measurable and specific.  And well, clearly this is not.  But this is a battle I have not yet won.  And I know that I need to win it.  I know if I am ever to find peace with who I am and love myself I have to consciously change my inner dialogue.  I don't know how to make this a measurable goal.  But I know it's my goal. 

She is not allowed to tell me I am fat.  She is not allowed to tell me if I am unlovable or worse unlikeable.  She is not allowed to criticize me in pictures.  She is not allowed to roll my eyes at a compliment.  She is not allowed to bring me down. Not anymore. 

And while I'm at it I'm also done with anyone else's mean girl (or boy).  I will post whatever I want and need to post.  If you think I'm over sharing unfriend me.  If you don't care enough to read my blog or my posts then I am better off without you.  If you think I'm bragging about going to the gym instead of holding myself accountable or reaching out for support then peace out.  I don't need anyone who can't love me enough to support me.  Whether on facebook or in life.

  2014 will be the year I learn how to love myself. Really love myself.