Not Crazy!!!

You will all be glad to know I'm not crazy!!!

So a couple of months ago now I checked in with a nutritionist about my plateau.  She did some blood work and initially thought that my thyroid was off.  I had shown her my previous blood work and explained how every traditional doctor I had consulted with had told me I was fine.  But I didn't feel fine.  *Side note: Do you know how enfuriating it is to have someone tell you you're fine when you feel like shit?*  My thyroid numbers have always fallen into the median ranges, but on the very low end, and so most traditional doctors have said the dreaded "You're fine" to me more times then I can count.

After this experience it's possible I will never go traditional medicine again.  Unless someone has something broken.  Then you, the surgeon, can fix it.  But seriously, I can't believe how poorly doctors listen to you.  Well this nutritionist listened to me.  And then started digging.  Retook my blood work.  And surprise (!), she doesn't think my thyroid is functioning optimally.  But not because I have a thyroid disorder.  Most likely because I have a hormonal imbalance.

I'm going to give my husband a moment to laugh.

Done honey?  Yep, it's true.  My estrogen is threw the roof and my progesterone is in the basement.  She was staggered by the ratio and said it was the biggest gap she has seen.  This explains how irritable I am, how emotional I get.  How absolutely exhausted I am.  Some of you may or may not know this but I have taken a nap every day for the past couple of years.  Not because I am a stay at home mom and that's some perk of the job I get.  But because if I don't sleep I will become an all out crazy person and I can't function.  So there's that.

But she recommended some supplements and I took them.  Immediately.  And I can't even tell you how much better I feel.  I feel even.  I feel like I have energy.  I am only napping occasionally.  And I am not irrationally irritable.  At all.  Bob commented that I seem way more even.  I'm less volatile.  I haven't noticed any extra weight loss just yet (the nutritionist is now looking at My Fitness Pal journal....not anxiety producing at all) but it almost doesn't even matter.  I feel that good.

I feel....fine.

Fuck Monkeys

Something happened to me yesterday.  I was unfriended because of a link http://www.thrivemnnice.com/home/NiceTips/building-a-circle-of-friendsI posted  about making friends in the state of Minnesota.  It was bound to ruffle some feathers.  I knew it would.  I didn't post it with the intent to ruffle feathers; but I found myself hesitating before pushing post because I knew someone would take it personally.  And someone did.  And then they un-friended me.  But you know what?  I realized yesterday I don't care anymore.  If yesterday had happened even 6 months ago I think I would have been an absolute mess.  I would have been upset and confused and ruminated over it for longer then I should.  But I'm different.  All I thought was, "Oh well.  If you can't take some humorous feedback then I don't really need you in my life."

 The link hit home.  It has in fact been harder then I imagined to make solid friends here.  I have a lot of friendly acquaintences.  I know lots of very lovely people that I think fondly of and I think, think fondly of me.  The link in no way was meant to offend anyone or to say I hate all the people in Minnesota.  But what has been an underlying and continuous theme for me while living here is constantly being accused of hurting people or offending people simply by being myself.  Directness seems to equal confrontation.  And for me it doesn't.  If I have said something that rubbed you the wrong way, and our relationship is important to you, then you should tell me that something rubbed you the wrong way... when it happens.  I don't read minds.  There does, in fact, seem to be somewhat of a culture gap here.  But me communicating differently then you does not make me an offensive, horrible person.  If you are committed to viewing me in a negative light then there isn't really anything I can do about.  I try very hard to be authentic and caring.  Do I vent when I'm upset?  Yep!   Do I openly object when I have an objection?  Yep!  Am I emotionally reactive?  Yep!  But guess what?  All of those things also don't make me a bad person.  And quite honestly I'm tired of defending myself, or wondering if I am an asshole and don't even realize it.

The old me worried far too much about what everyone thought of me.  And even up until very recently it mattered more to me what you thought about me then what I thought about myself.  I have been too desperate to fit in and be accepted.  And in a lot of situations it hasn't worked anyway.  As soon as I break some sort of unspoken rule, I'm kicked off the island.  Well I don't want on the island anymore.  The past few days I have felt inner peace.  Because it's such an emotional breakthrough for me to love myself enough to not care if you don't like me anymore. 

I am far from perfect.  But I am honest.  I am direct.  I am caring.  I am compassionate.  I am passionate.  I am emotional.  I am opinionated.  I am me.

You can take it or leave it. 

Payoff

I hate jean shopping.  Who doesn't?  It's a close second to swimsuit shopping.  And one would think it wouldn't be as traumatic as it is.  You wear jeans in the colder months when you get to cover up a bit, right?  WRONG.  

It's damn near impossible to find a solid pair of jeans that don't cost $200 and aren't mom jeans.  Low rise is just too low for....well just about everyone.  Mid rise is hit or miss with the over 30 crowd.  Because it has to be just the right mid rise.  And if you're curvy, like me, it's also challenging to find a pair that fit the hip area.  But my favorite jeans are wearing thin and they don't make them anymore!  (Whose idea of a sick joke is this anyway?)

I have gotten a lot of advice regarding other benchmarks to look at in my weight loss journey.  Body fat percentage, inches, and change in clothing size are the main ones.  But really none of those have really changed all that much either.  I can see muscle definition that wasn't there before, but really my numbers (any numbers) haven't really budged.

Or so I thought.

I ordered 4 pairs of jeans.  All different brands and 1 in a smaller size (although to be fair they do have a bit more stretch in them)  And all of them fit.  Did you read that?  ALL OF THEM FIT!  One pair I didn't love because it was a bit too low rise.  I'm too old for that and I have been doing a lot of squats, and don't want jeans that make my butt look flat.   But the other 3 I love.  One pair I am actually going to exchange for a smaller size because there is a bit of a gap in the waist band.  THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A GAP IN MY WAIST BAND!

I thought I was going to cry.  I tried them all on for Bob and he liked all of them.  I went jean shopping online and nailed it.  All of my hard work is paying off.  It's taken longer for me then for some people to get results;  and there have been so many moments where I thought, "maybe this is it.  Maybe this is where I'm at and I need to just be ok because it's not a horrible spot to be in."

And just like that the universe hands me my pay off. 

The Girl Looking Back at Me

As you know I have been taking a boot camp class at the Y.  Not my home base Y, but a different one.  I have taken it before here and there but since I'm not working with my trainer anymore I need to make sure that my workouts stay fresh and that I continue to find new things to challenge myself with.  I wrote this post after my first class, http://thefoodwar.blogspot.com/2014/02/compare-and-contrast.html.  And I was proud of myself for fighting through the negative talk and coming out on the other side.

But I have been working on not even going there.  I have been walking into the class and setting up next to someone who is in good shape, and pushing myself to compete.  Ok, it's true they don't realize I'm competing.  But I am.  I'm also looking in that studio mirror and trying to focus on the things that I like about myself.

This last week I noticed that my calves have gotten so much stronger.  Particularly the front.  With every jump I could see the muscle jet out.  I loved it and felt really proud of those calf muscles.  And I noticed I wasn't comparing myself to anyone else when I was just thinking about the positive aspects of me.  

I have been completely aware that I need to stop the negative self talk.  I mean, Jesus, how often do I talk about it?  But honestly, I'm not entirely sure how to do that.   Knowing you shouldn't do something, but not doing it are two different things.  So I've decided that before the thought can even creep into the front of my consciousness  I need to replace it.  Immediately.  This may sound braggy to some.  I get it.  We are somewhat conditioned to not talk about the things that we like about ourselves.  Those things we should keep to ourselves so as not to appear to think we are better then anyone else.  But I challenge all of you to start talking about it.  What are the things that you love about yourself.  I know you think your ass is too big.  I think mine is too big.  But that's what we talk about.  What do you think is beautiful about you?  Do you have the best smile?  Do you have abs to die for?  Are you funny?  Is your hair just flawless?

Speak up peeps!! (No, I'm serious. Comment.)

Best Break-Up Ever.

It was time.

Me and Mike broke up.  I thought I would be more upset.  Maybe it hasn't hit me yet.  It's only been a week.  But it was time.  I have been training with Mike for about 3 years (?) now.  I had only been working with him maybe about a year when he was leaving the YMCA to go to Lifetime.  It was a great move for him.  But I completely panicked.  And wrote this: http://thefoodwar.blogspot.com/2012/01/bomb-is-dropped.html.  But he stuck with me, and he didn't have to.  That's the kind of coach, the kind of person he is.

I was not confident that I could do it without him.  I still held him responsible for my progress.  I hadn't yet internalized that he didn't do it.  I did it.  He was there.  He was a support.  He pushed me out of my comfort zone (ok, I'm not really ever in a comfortable zone when training with him).  He challenged me.  And probably the most important....he believed in me.  I didn't believe in myself.  For a long time.   

But I do now.  It was time to take off the training wheels.  I have been coached well.  Trained well.  I don't have all the answers yet.  I haven't completed my journey yet.  But I've learned enough to know that I got this.

Thank you Mike.

About 2 years ago at the Y not long before he left