Wednesday, September 10, 2014


I am really struggling lately.  I'm being triggered all over the place.  And the negative things that keep running through my head...well it's that bitch again.  But she's doing a number on me.  I'm in a really bad place mentally and trying hard to get myself out of it.

There is this one mirror in the classroom that I work in.  And every time I walk past it, I see 257 pound Karen.  I see cellulite.  I see big arms.  I don't see anything I feel proud of.  I don't know what's happening.  I feel like I was stuck at a weight and switched things up in an attempt to get myself out of the plateau.  And I gained 10 pounds.  I don't know if it's muscle weight or not.  I have no tools to figure that out.  I have no scale.  I have no trainer.  So I have switched it back because I'd honestly rather be stuck at the 10 pounds less.  Why is it you always end up wanting what you had?  I have been working to eat healthy food and clean up my diet where it needed a little cleaning.  I know I don't always get it right.  But I try to get it right most of the time. 

I don't know if I'm just feeling badly because people are so fit here that I feel like I look worse then I really do?  I don't know if since no one here knows me and I don't get any sort of external feedback, I'm making up my own ugly dialogue?   I have to figure it out.  I know I do.  I know it's not good for me to start back with the self hate stuff.  I'm throwing it out there because I could use some support.  And historically when I stuff these feelings, well let's just say nothing good comes of it. 

I know I'm not 257 pound Karen anymore.  Why do I still feel like her?