A Shift

I'm changing.

I mean, I have been changing.  But I have started to lift heavier these past few weeks.  A switch from the high intensity cardio that has been my bread and butter.  I've always done strength training.  But it's occurred to me that I was doing more muscle endurance work.  A trainer friend of mine suggested that I start lifting heavier to add more muscle mass.

NO! Add muscle mass?  Are you insane?  I don't need any mass of any sort added.  But I thought about it.  And it's something I haven't ever really done.  I mean, I did some power lifting with Mike occasionally, but honestly since we're not at the same gym anymore he's been piecing work outs together for me.  I'm ready for something else.  So she wrote out what things she wanted me to do.  And I've been doing them. 

And I'm changing.  Not only do I feel like my clothes are fitting a little different.  My mind is different.  I feel a little like a bad ass.  I really do.  And I find myself catching glimpses in the mirror and instead of cringing, I find myself thinking, "I love my shoulder muscle that's developing!"  I love feeling strong.  It has boosted my confidence.  I feel like I can absolutely be an instructor.  I absolutely have something to offer.  I absolutely could inspire someone.

Everyone knows the idea that you want your inner to match your outer.  Well, my outer and my inner were a complete mess.  When I started this, I was struggling in my marriage.  I was so insecure and unsure of myself.  And I was a tired mom.  I didn't even know where to start.  Along the way I have been trying to address both my inner and my outer.  But I kept expecting that once I lost some weight I would feel better about myself and that would take care of the inner.  I know!  I know, everyone thinks that!  But I really did.  I don't think that anymore.  My focus has changed.  I no longer worry if I am losing weight or thin.  I am stoked that I benched 135 pounds.  I love seeing my calf muscle when I walk.  I know that taking a walk when I'm upset will make me feel better then a donut (and you all know how much I love my donuts). 

I'm changing. 

Progress

Had some pictures taken of my back today.  A friend told me that my back muscles were starting to show more and I didn't believe her.  You all know how I feel about pictures of myself, and even though I immediately note the areas I still see as trouble areas, I can't deny that I see muscle definition.

Assisted Pull ups

Yeah, clearly my triceps and biceps need some love. But I have muscle definition. IN. MY. BACK!

Lat Machine

 

 I'm getting there.

Reason

This is it. 

This picture sums up exactly why I started on this journey.  Sure my intentions have been muddied up along the way.  Do I want to be thin?  Do I want to be fit?  But being able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be was the force that finally gave me the willpower I needed to make the changes I needed to make.  Because I couldn't do this. 

And this makes every last moment of struggle worth it. 

 I am damn proud of this photo.

Unobtainable

Awhile back I was challenged by Mike (my previous trainer for any new readers) to make a list of healthier changes I could make that may impact my emotional development around all of this.  http://thefoodwar.blogspot.com/2013/09/healthy-habits.html.  One of the things I decided to do was let go of my obsession with trashy magazines.  Every Friday I would literally head to the grocery store and buy ALL of them and page through them.  I told myself it was just an escape into the drama of the celebrity world.  But who was I kidding that it did not seep into my self conscience that I didn't look like that.  I would NEVER look like that.  So I banned them and replaced them with only Fitness magazines.  Like....

Or

Wait.  Are you seeing what I'm seeing?  I'm not seeing fit.  I'm not seeing strong.  I'm seeing thin.  These women are beautiful, and insanely thin.  I'm not implying that they don't exercise or eat right.  Clearly they are adopting some healthy lifestyle habits.  But they also clearly have genetics on their side; and, as a friend pointed out, the luxury of some photo editing.  This wasn't apparent to me right away.  Because among these there are also covers like this:

My intent was to find strong, fit women who could inspire me.  I have made enough emotional progress that it's not just about being skinny anymore.  I want to be fit.  And strong.  I want to be bad ass.  I have always been an athlete and finally feel like one again.

Just when I thought I had, had enough with my fitness magazines urging me to "look gorgeous" and "drop 2 sizes in 2 weeks!"  SELF magazine made a MAJOR (in my humble opinion) fitness world faux pas.  https://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/self-magazine-cancer-survivor-monika-allen-181452496.html.  They ended up publishing a picture of a cancer survivor running in her tutu during a race.  The section is called BS Meter.  WTF?!  They have since issued an apology and donated to cancer research, etc.  But what I can't let go of is that they seem sorry because she is a cancer survivor.  Not because they mocked someone for wearing a costume during a race.  Would it be ok if this girl was not a cancer survivor to be mocked in a national magazine?  The bigger problem I see is that people who are intimidated or worried about being made fun of probably feel justified in those feelings.  What kind of crap is it that you pretend to be about fitness and motivation when you are mocking anyone for how or what they wear while doing it?

So I'm done.  I'm done with all of them.  What is wrong with us as a society that we can't come up with a way to inspire and motivate people without shaming them if they don't look like this?  How many people actually look like this?  Instead of the story of the person who lost 120 pounds being on the inside, why not put them on the cover?  There are some great articles about weight loss and routines/exercises to try out, along with healthy recipes to try.  I love that part of it.  But until you can not mock anyone for their fitness attire or put someone other then this on the cover

I'm certain that having this on my coffee table is not a healthy habit.