Saturday, August 10, 2013

Breaking Down Walls

I did it.

I went to my alumni game.  This has been a long time coming.  I have been so afraid of this game, I have successfully avoided it for the past 13 years. Yep, that's commitment.

Back in the day I was alright.  Not a superstar by any stretch of the imagination.  But solid.  I was solid.  And then I hurt myself one too many times and had to come to terms with the fact that my career was over.  I'd like to say I did this gracefully, but I didn't.  I was devastated.  Quitting lead me down a very dark path and I lost myself.  I was a mess.  A mess trying to pretend on the outside that I wasn't a mess.  Which made me even messier.

When I started on my fitness journey, (I no longer refer to it as weight loss journey because it's so much more then just my weight- at least in my healthier moments,) I wasn't thinking about this game.  I couldn't see that far ahead.  But about a year ago, during some gruesome session with Mike, I began considering it.  Maybe, just maybe I could play in this game.  I said it out loud to Mike who, of course, started incorporating it into my training.  About a month ago the old fear came back.  "What if I get hurt?"  "What if you don't?" he countered back.  "But what if I do?"  "But what if you DON'T? What if you have the time of your life?"

So I did it.  And I got hurt. (rolled my ankle that I had injured a couple of weeks ago). But he was right.  I had the time of my life.  I saw my old teammates.  I laughed.  I tried my best.  I think I did pretty well before I rolled it.  After that let's just say I was playing more "zone" defense then man to man.  And for a bit I was disappointed in myself.  But that's the old me.  The new me realizes that something bigger happened today.  Did I play like I did when I was 17? No.  Did I play as good as I wanted to? No.  Did I get hurt? Yes.  Did I fall? Yes.  But I got back up.  I didn't quit.  And I had a blast.  I conquered a fear.  I healed a small piece of myself today.

Broke down the wall.

Next year will be even better!