A Shift

I'm changing.

I mean, I have been changing.  But I have started to lift heavier these past few weeks.  A switch from the high intensity cardio that has been my bread and butter.  I've always done strength training.  But it's occurred to me that I was doing more muscle endurance work.  A trainer friend of mine suggested that I start lifting heavier to add more muscle mass.

NO! Add muscle mass?  Are you insane?  I don't need any mass of any sort added.  But I thought about it.  And it's something I haven't ever really done.  I mean, I did some power lifting with Mike occasionally, but honestly since we're not at the same gym anymore he's been piecing work outs together for me.  I'm ready for something else.  So she wrote out what things she wanted me to do.  And I've been doing them. 

And I'm changing.  Not only do I feel like my clothes are fitting a little different.  My mind is different.  I feel a little like a bad ass.  I really do.  And I find myself catching glimpses in the mirror and instead of cringing, I find myself thinking, "I love my shoulder muscle that's developing!"  I love feeling strong.  It has boosted my confidence.  I feel like I can absolutely be an instructor.  I absolutely have something to offer.  I absolutely could inspire someone.

Everyone knows the idea that you want your inner to match your outer.  Well, my outer and my inner were a complete mess.  When I started this, I was struggling in my marriage.  I was so insecure and unsure of myself.  And I was a tired mom.  I didn't even know where to start.  Along the way I have been trying to address both my inner and my outer.  But I kept expecting that once I lost some weight I would feel better about myself and that would take care of the inner.  I know!  I know, everyone thinks that!  But I really did.  I don't think that anymore.  My focus has changed.  I no longer worry if I am losing weight or thin.  I am stoked that I benched 135 pounds.  I love seeing my calf muscle when I walk.  I know that taking a walk when I'm upset will make me feel better then a donut (and you all know how much I love my donuts). 

I'm changing.