Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Do I Want?

I have been working my ass off. 

And by that I mean, I have been lifting heavier.  I am still doing my spin and my jogging (God will I ever even almost like to jog?) but I have been focusing on gaining lean muscle mass in an attempt to lower my body fat.  Cause I felt like I was getting in better cardiovascular/muscle endurance shape, but I didn't necessarily feel stronger and I wasn't seeing the muscle definition I wanted.  I've always lifted heavier with Mike (my ex trainer and dear friend for anyone new reading), but without him I've stuck to mainly body weight exercises.

So now I feel like a bad ass. 

Except my shorts don't fit.  What the?! And I have to admit for the sake of the full transperency I promised myself (and anyone reading me) that I freaked the fuck out.  It triggered me so much I obsessively asked Bob and my friend if I looked more muscular or if I had just gained weight.  Because for a minute, I really really didn't know the answer.  I was in such a panic about it that I forgot how insanely hard I have been training.  I don't know if or when this will ever not be my reaction.  When I realize that I've tail spun again I feel ashamed.  Like shouldn't I have progressed enough emotionally that this is not my reaction every. single. time?  But I sort of think the answer is that this will probably always be my gut response.  Somehow along the way it solidified in my head that I am fat and not beautiful.  It seems ingrained.  I think what will change, hell what has changed, is how quickly I can rebound from this.  I have the ability to pull my shit together and move on.  I don't get stuck in that reaction.  Well, not for too long anyway. 

So yeah, my shorts are tight around my butt.  Because my butt is bigger.  Because I can dead lift 145 pounds, sqaut 155 pounds, and leg press 377 (6 reps!). And the lunges.  I used to hate lunges.  I'm currently obsessed with them.

So the question is do I want to be skinny?  Or do I want to be bad ass?

I don't even think I need to answer that.

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