And by that I mean, I have been lifting heavier. I am still doing my spin and my jogging (God will I ever even almost like to jog?) but I have been focusing on gaining lean muscle mass in an attempt to lower my body fat. Cause I felt like I was getting in better cardiovascular/muscle endurance shape, but I didn't necessarily feel stronger and I wasn't seeing the muscle definition I wanted. I've always lifted heavier with Mike (my ex trainer and dear friend for anyone new reading), but without him I've stuck to mainly body weight exercises.
So now I feel like a bad ass.
Except my shorts don't fit. What the?! And I have to admit for the sake of the full transperency I promised myself (and anyone reading me) that I freaked the fuck out. It triggered me so much I obsessively asked Bob and my friend if I looked more muscular or if I had just gained weight. Because for a minute, I really really didn't know the answer. I was in such a panic about it that I forgot how insanely hard I have been training. I don't know if or when this will ever not be my reaction. When I realize that I've tail spun again I feel ashamed. Like shouldn't I have progressed enough emotionally that this is not my reaction every. single. time? But I sort of think the answer is that this will probably always be my gut response. Somehow along the way it solidified in my head that I am fat and not beautiful. It seems ingrained. I think what will change, hell what has changed, is how quickly I can rebound from this. I have the ability to pull my shit together and move on. I don't get stuck in that reaction. Well, not for too long anyway.
So yeah, my shorts are tight around my butt. Because my butt is bigger. Because I can dead lift 145 pounds, sqaut 155 pounds, and leg press 377 (6 reps!). And the lunges. I used to hate lunges. I'm currently obsessed with them.
So the question is do I want to be skinny? Or do I want to be bad ass?
I don't even think I need to answer that.
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