Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Weigh In Wednesdays

I have a complicated relationship with the scale.  The majority of the time it does not say the number I want it to say.  In fact, almost never.  I know that I have been spot on in my nutrition and my training and I get on and it's up 3 pounds.  And it takes every ounce of self control not to throw the damn thing. Or cry.  Or both. 

I am supposed to only weigh in once a week.  I am supposed to remember that it is only one way to measure progress and not the most reliable by a long shot.  I struggle with both of these rules.  I have weighed myself every day for as long as I can remember.  There have been periods of time where I have weighed myself 2 times a day and other times where I got on several times a day, completely confused as to why I had gone up or down a pound.  And while I tell myself that it is not the most reliable measure of my progress, I don't think I have every truly believed that in my heart. 

Because numbers don't lie right? And sure, I could go by the fit of my clothing, but the fit of your clothing doesn't change until you're up 10 pounds.  And I do not drop 10 pounds easily.  I never have.  And because I don't have a body fat measuring machine thing at my disposal I don't have any other tool to let me know if I'm still moving in the right direction.  So I don't want to toss it.  But I realize I can't let it control me anymore. 

The woman's blog I am following weighs in every Wednesday.  And I know that my trainer (and everyone else under the sun) has told me to only weigh in once a week. But there it sits, taunting me.  I have tried to "hide" it, but I am not an "out of sight out of mind" type of gal (as I have begged my mother to understand after she sends 10 boxes of Girl Scout cookies suggesting I just hide them so I don't eat them all in one sitting.) So this is something I have to put some will power into.  Since I check the blog every morning I am hoping that it is a reminder that she has also not gotten on that scale. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Healthy Habits

I had kind of a big week.  I ran into Nancy, who is a spin instructor and trains with Mike, my trainer. I told her I was considering spin instruction.  Nancy is not just any spin instructor. She is "the" spin instructor.  Not only is she the Department Head at Lifetime, she is amaze balls. Like I can't walk when her class is over.  There is no need to do anything else by the time she's done with me.  And she's just really nice and has always been very welcoming and supportive of me.  So I tell her and she immediately swoops me down the the spin studio and basically sets me up.  There is a certification seminar next week she wants me to go to and she's putting my name on the guest list at Lifetime so I can come to her classes and she can basically train me. What?!!

I went from absolute excitement to all out terror in about an hour. I found myself face down in my own mud again telling myself I can't.  This is beyond my reach.  I'm shooting for the stars here and well, historically that has not always ended well.  Mike scraped me back off the pavement once again. We once again addressed my self esteem and why I go negative.  I go to the "I'm going to fail" place.  "I'm not good enough." "No one else will think I'm good enough."  Despite all my hard work and focus on improving my inner self as well as my outer self, I still go there.  At the end of our conversation he told me to come up with new and healthy habits, daily that will keep me focused and positive and motivated.  Some of them will probably sound ridiculous to anyone reading this.  But that's ok.  This is my gig and it isn't about what anyone else thinks.  (I say that not to be lecturey but to remind myself, "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks." So here they are.  Not in any particular order.

Not only am I going to update my own blog more, I have chosen an inspiring Life Journey blog to follow.   I call it that instead of a weight loss blog, because what most of us who are going through this at some point realize, is that it isn't about the weight.  I mean, yes, I still freak out sometimes when that number doesn't say what I want it to say.  Or what I feel like I have earned for it to say.  But overall, this is about my health.  It's about my strength.  My progress.  My determination.  My resilience.   Anyway, it's on my bookmark bar so I will check it every morning and start my day with some reminders and connection to someone whom I have never met, but faces some of the same demons I do.

 Most of you know I have always loved my trashy magazines.  I have been telling myself that my fascination is to the drama, etc.  But I think I have been lying to myself.  I think I absolutely am obsessed with how they look.  And in return how I don't look.  So enough.  I have one more subscription that comes and I will do my best to immediately put it in the recycle bin.  Only fitness or other mags for me.  I don't need that creeping into my sub conscience anymore.  Done. Good-bye Khloe Kardashian.  I think you are way cooler then Kim by a long shot.  And J-Lo I will still be squatting away trying to get your butt, but I will no longer scan for it every week so I can only tell myself how I am not even close.  Wish me well.

Weight Loss Shows
 I love these shows.  I mean, LOVE , them.  Are the perfect? No. Are their results realistic for the average person trying to lose weight? Clearly not.  BUT, hearing Jillian scream to "get your ass up and keep moving!!!" literally has gone across my mind when I have stopped mid circuit, exhausted.  KEEP MY ASS MOVING! And Chris Powell.  Oh how I love that man and wish he would move in with me for a month.  For a multitude of reasons.  But he has also said many things to many of these people that have made me tear up in an instant and want to race to the gym to tackle my demons.  "This is the rest of your life."  "Remember  how badly this hurt so you never have to be here again."  (I remember this quote running through my mind in an early training session with Mike.  I thought I was going to die, or at the very least puke. And I remember thinking. I can never go back because this is horrible.)  And these people are amazing.  They are 450 pounds and running faster then I am on the treadmill.  If they can do it, I can do it.  So I will have this on in the background while I'm cooking instead of Dateline.  Anything positive that creeps into my sub conscience will help.

Smoothie Breakfast on Off  Training Days
I need to be a little bit more conscience of my eating on my off training days.  I don't need the loaded egg scramble, a light and healthy smoothie will suffice.  I'm not talking about slashing my caloric intake.  But focusing on eating fruit and veggies and laying off the higher levels of protein.  I also think that I take a day off of nutrition on my days off of training.  Not horribly so.  Nothing crazy. But I realize I just don't pay attention.  I don't know if this is right or not. (I have yet to share this with Mike who will tell me if this is on the right track). But I do notice that I feel better eating light on my light days. And I am trying to focus on how I feel when I eat, etc instead of just the caloric number attached to each meal.  I quickly become a calorie counter and have to really be intentional to focus on other things besides the numbers.

So I know this was a long one, and I appreciate anyone who took the time to read it.  I have worked really really hard these past few years on all of this and the support I have gotten from people has been inspiring and needed.  I am sure that it's overkill for some.  I am sure that it will drive someone crazy that I have posted this.  They may see it as self indulgent.  That's ok.  I'm not angry about that and I'm not going to let that take me down.

"It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

Repeat 5 times daily with a side of smoothie.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Learning to Let Go

I took the summer off of my weight loss plan.  Well, not really off off.  But I put away the food scale, I let myself have more treats then I usually allow, I stopped tracking in my nutrition log, and I even stepped on that scale less frequently then is normal for me.  

Why would I do that?  Because I needed to practice relaxing.  I'm all an or nothing sort of girl. But in my on going emotional health, I needed to know that I could chill out, have a cupcake, and nothing bad happened.  Ok. So I gained about 5 pounds over the summer.  But that was ok.  I came back home, cut back out the treats, and picked up where I left off in my training.

It was really powerful for me to realize that I did not fall all the way off the mountain.  I relaxed.  I had fun.  I went out for drinks.  I had a doughnut in the morning. And the world did not stop spinning.  And I did not gain 20 pounds.  And....I don't have to spiral. 

The food scale is back out, I just logged my food for the day, and the trainer is coming over in a bit. I took a break, (from myself) and now it's time to get back to work.  I still have goals after all.  I proved a lot of things to myself this summer.  But this is a big one for me.  I enjoyed eating.  And I didn't go crazy.  AND, I didn't freak out.

This. is. progress.