I went shopping with Bob today. This in itself is an event because shopping has been incredibly difficult for me. For as long as I can remember. I have listened and watched other girls enjoy it. I've never felt that. It was just a reminder that I didn't fit in anything I wanted to fit in. During college (after I blew out my knee and stopped playing soccer) I had to buy jeans from a plus size store when I first gained a lot of weight. It was humiliating and I swore that I would never again go in there.
I never did. Although I have done some very unhealthy things along the way to keep that promise to myself. But today, I thoroughly enjoyed it and had fun trying on things and having Bob tell me if they look good. More often then not the answer was yes!
As we were talking though I told him what my highest weight was. 255. He was shocked. "You did not weigh 255," he said. "Yes, yes, I did." He realized that the entire time we have been together, (11 years and counting) I have never before given him a number. He has never known how much I weighed...at my biggest or my smallest. He realized why I related to the contestants on The Biggest Loser. They are me. Sure some of them are significantly bigger then I have ever been. But I was on my way. I am them. I'm fighting the same war.
And I, I realized that I have been terribly ashamed of myself. I have given up so many things that were important to me and kept so many secrets from those I love because of how I felt about myself.
But no more. I am taking my life back. One pound at a time.