I have always compared myself to other women when I walk into a room. I know, it's horrible. But I do it. And for a very long time I was always the biggest one. Always. And by a lot. It was humiliating. I dreaded going to nights out with girlfriends because I felt so insecure about how I looked. I have skipped any and all reunion events for the same reason.
But I have come a long way and am frequently not the biggest person in the room. I hold no judgement to those that are. I just understand how it feels. I am proud of myself though. I do not feel as insecure when I walk into a room now.
This morning I tried out a new 90 minute bootcamp class at another Y branch. As soon as I walked into the room, that same dreadful feeling came rushing back to me. I was the biggest woman in the room. These women (and men) looked fit. Fit. Fit. Mike the trainer fit. Nancy the crazy spin lady fit. "Dear Lord what have I gotten myself into?" I thought. I stayed. It was the craziest class I have ever taken. I was a bit in over my head.
But. But there has been a shift. Because I am going back. Before I would have bailed not wanting to be the largest least in shape person there. (as it turns out I was not the least in shape in all areas. I can do squats and lunges well past others..thank you soccer.) This class will push me. I need to be there. I need other people who are in better shape to push me. They are physical reminders of my goals. I don't just want to get skinny. I want to be fit. Super fit. And healthy. And strong.
So I'm going back next week. And the next week. And eventually I will one of the stronger women in that class.