Deal With the Devil?

There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't tell if it's excitement or worry. Or both.

We met Mike and Andrea at Lifetime Fitness this morning. A big hoity toity gym. But it's beautiful. And has everything (including tennis courts Dad!! Lots of tennis courts! Snow or no snow you can play when you come visit!!) But it means saying good-bye to the Y. And despite the glitz and glam of Lifetime, the Y was a good place for us. Our family got healthier in a lot of ways. So I can't help but worry about a change. Not to mention the bigger price tag that comes along with it.

There are the obvious pros. My trainer is there. So no more 5:30 am work outs. Bonus. They are also our friends and we will get to spend more time with them again. Bonus. They have every class you could ever want so I will get a much broader range of workout. Bonus bonus. The boys love it. Bonus. They have a spa and cafe on site. As I was sitting with my friends drinking a healthy smoothie post workout I was screaming in my head, "BONUS!"

But there are some cons. The price tag. It's almost double what we were paying at the Y. Yes, you get a whole lot more with it. But still. Distance. They Y is literally one mile from us. We will be driving 10-15 minutes depending on traffic. That is harder. And it will inevitably be easier to talk myself out of going. But I'm committed to this process so I think Bob is more worried about that then I am. Bob is also a little grumbly over the lack of community feel. It's true. I can't argue with that. We are now at a gym not the community center. And I think that is actually a piece that I will miss. Not more then I missed training and working out with my friends, but will still miss it for sure.

The good news also is both the Y and Lifetime are on a month by month plan. So if it doesn't work out or if it's not a good fit we can always change back. No harm done.

There is always some bad with the good. I'm hopeful this will be yet another kick start for me and the good outweighs the bad...

Re-evaluating

Since I have started this journey, I have found myself trying to choose classes and events wisely. In the same way that an alcoholic cannot go out drinking, I cannot go to dessert night outs. I have to stay clear of situations and events that are triggers for me. At least until I get to a place where I can stare the temptation in the face and not eat it. I'm not there yet. This has brought some judgment. And maybe hurt feelings, on both ends. It has also been an obstacle in building friendships out here. But it is what it is.

I have come the realization that I have to surround myself with people that can support me and what I'm trying to do. You do not have to have the same goals that I do. You do not have to never have a sweet at your house or never invite me out. But you have to be able to understand if I decline. You have to be able to understand that your issues are not my issues. And for a long time I ignored my issues because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I just wanted to be liked. But no more. I have to take care of myself. I have to put myself first. No one else is going to do this for me.

I have been reading a book called MWF seeking BFF. And I can so relate. She has gained 15+ pounds going out on her new friend dates, which has also hit home. I need to find friends that are compatible with my new changes. I need someone who wants to go try out a crazy 90 minute bootcamp followed by a smoothie after class. I need someone who wants to go on a double date with me and Bob that doesn't include food and alcohol. I need someone who calls me up to go get a pedicure or take a hike/walk with them on the weekend instead of dinner and drinks. It limits my prospects. I get that. And I'm coming to a place where I am ok with that and realize that I have to surround myself with friends that love and accept, support and reciprocate.

None of this is easy. But easy isn't always the thing that is best for you is it?

*Please note I am not speaking about anyone in particular. I'm really not. The book just got me thinking about friendship and the support network that you create for yourself. In no way do I mean that I'm ending any of my current friendships. But not opposed to finding some more that can support the new me! I edited it because I realize my wording may have sounded much harsher then I intended it to.

A Different Way of Thinking

I have always compared myself to other women when I walk into a room. I know, it's horrible. But I do it. And for a very long time I was always the biggest one. Always. And by a lot. It was humiliating. I dreaded going to nights out with girlfriends because I felt so insecure about how I looked. I have skipped any and all reunion events for the same reason.

But I have come a long way and am frequently not the biggest person in the room. I hold no judgement to those that are. I just understand how it feels. I am proud of myself though. I do not feel as insecure when I walk into a room now.

This morning I tried out a new 90 minute bootcamp class at another Y branch. As soon as I walked into the room, that same dreadful feeling came rushing back to me. I was the biggest woman in the room. These women (and men) looked fit. Fit. Fit. Mike the trainer fit. Nancy the crazy spin lady fit. "Dear Lord what have I gotten myself into?" I thought. I stayed. It was the craziest class I have ever taken. I was a bit in over my head.

But. But there has been a shift. Because I am going back. Before I would have bailed not wanting to be the largest least in shape person there. (as it turns out I was not the least in shape in all areas. I can do squats and lunges well past others..thank you soccer.) This class will push me. I need to be there. I need other people who are in better shape to push me. They are physical reminders of my goals. I don't just want to get skinny. I want to be fit. Super fit. And healthy. And strong.

So I'm going back next week. And the next week. And eventually I will one of the stronger women in that class.

YMCA Blues

I had a hard night at the gym tonight. Feeling very bitter toward the Y. The place I loved before. And no, it's not all about my trainer not being there. Thank God I still have him. They just suck now. Ha ha.

So before Mike was putting together a lot of specialty classes. Granted, they were costing me an arm and a leg, but they don't have a great selection of regular classes, at least not at our Y branch. There are basically three classes you can take and not pay for. You can take Zumba. (uh, no) Body Pump (which I do) and Cycling (which I do.) There is no kick boxing, no pilates, no Boot camp. So for the most part I was perfectly content to pay for these things. I had a great variety of work outs through the week. But with Mike gone, no one is running any specialty classes besides Kettlebells. Which I tried, didn't love, and is now being run by another trainer I don't care for. Because participation is down the rates have gone up. For the life of me this doesn't make sense. If participation is down because people can't afford it then why not either make them regular classes or lower the price thereby allowing more people who could potentially afford it?

I was super excited when they finally offered a boot camp class, one that I didn't have to pay for. Effective immediately, the class was cancelled due to low attendance. There were only ever 2-3 three of us. But they put the class in direct competition with Zumba. There was no promoting of it in any way and it wasn't even on the schedule. Who is making these decisions here? I feel like the boat is sinking and maybe it's time for me to broaden even further and on some nights get to another Y where there are more options. They are all much farther away, which makes it much more difficult with the boys, but I'm just not sure what else to do. The vibe sucked in there tonight. Boys that were not cool sharing the free weights with the loan girl in their area, trainers all sitting around doing nothing as opposed to oh I don't know, RUNNING A CLASS! I felt myself just wanting to go home.

This. is. not. good. I've come all this way, I can't give up. But I am trying SO hard to be pro-active and open in finding tools to help me reach my goals.
I just felt like screaming. Or crying. I just can't catch a break.

Another Door Opens

The bright spot in this 'trainer leaving the gym' saga is that has forced me to broaden my work out pool. I realized I cannot depend on one person to pull me through this. I have to first depend on myself, but second, seek out other people who can push me through this journey.

This morning I found a person.

She teaches a 7am spin class. Bob scoffed at me when I told him I was going. I really just went because it was my homework from Mike. Dear God. The woman is a monster. Not only did I burn a whopping 700 calories in one hour, she made us ride the entire hour. And hard. She also did more training then the other spin instructors. She was on and off her bike, pushing us, making us up the resistance when I was positive my legs would not make it around one more time, checking our form, and lying to us with "one minute" promises that turned into three.

This class is also in the studio and I have found that I love working out in the studio. Seeing muscles I did not have before and actually seeing how much stronger I am is a good motivator.

She said two things during the length of this torture session that got me:

* "HOW BAD DO YOU WANT THIS?" She yelled as we were climbing up a hill on the highest resistance. The only other person that has asked me this was Mike, and well, the rest is history.

* "This last 15 minutes is where your work is done." The other spin classes I have taken have really only lasted 45 minutes. There is the warm up and the cool down. If you want a slower warm up you have to come to this class early because she doesn't waste any time. And you literally do not stop until that hour is up. It was horrible. And awesome.

The other piece of information I can't ignore? She is a trainer that is also trained by my trainer. Enough said.

I think it's fair to say that Saturday morning spin class has officially been added to my work out week.