Lose

It shouldn't matter.

I have been trying for 3 years to tell myself that the stupid number on the stupid scale doesn't matter.

But it fucking does.

It does! It does because I have worked so fucking hard.  I have.  For the past 3 years I have done everything Mike has told me to do.  I don't always get it right.  Sometimes I have to work at it before I accomplish it.  Get a heart rate monitor. Done.  Track your food.  Done. Eat this amount of calories. Done. Ok, now eat healthier calories. Ditch the ice cream and donuts.  DONE. Train like this. DONE.  I will do whatever he tells me to do.  Because I want this.  I really really want this.  I really want to be a spin instructor.  I really want to LOOK like a spin instructor.  I really want to hit all my goals.  I have earned it.

 This has been an emotionally challenging 2 weeks. This weight loss challenge has brought up some old demons.  The negative thoughts have been running rampant.  And I have been fighting them off.  Reminding myself about all of the progress I have made.  I am stronger.  I am more fit.  I am less afraid.  I have been more kind to myself.  But damn it.  I wanted that number to go down.  I earned it.  I really did.  I earned it and I didn't get it.

I feel like I am just spinning my wheels.  And I kind of want to quit.  I know I won't.  I promised myself I would never lose myself again.  I would never let myself get that unhealthy again.  But dammit if I am not struggling tonight.

So I have Chinese Food.  And Friday Night Lights.  And I'm eating it out of the carton.  Because apparently it doesn't matter anyway.