I know I haven't blogged for awhile. I've been in a pretty negative attitude about all of it. I hit a plateau. Then obsessed about the plateau. And when I obsess, I obsess. I was weighing myself 2 times every day, religiously calorie counting, working out like a crazy person, and basically sank into a hole of self doubt and depression.
My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate. As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.
And she was right.
So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me. I have felt shame for how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me. I'm a bit dramatic. I'm a bit reactive. I'm a bit over sensitive. I can be needy. I still have some more weight to lose. I could still work on improving the speed of my runs. BUT, I am strong. And I determined. And I can be funny. And I'm loyal. And I don't quit. And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs. And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.
I have come a long way. Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different. I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for
myself. But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved
some things that weren't on my initial list. And more importantly, I
haven't given up on myself. I did that once. I will never do that
again. This is my journey. Full of ups and downs and highs and lows.
But all mine...
Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently. I think I stopped because the negative talk started up. "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc." But I care. This is for me. That's why I started it. I share it because I need support on this journey. And I need accountability. If no one reads it, then no one reads it. But I think it was good for me. And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.