Back to Basics

I know I haven't blogged for awhile.  I've been in a pretty negative attitude about all of it.  I hit a plateau.  Then obsessed about the plateau.  And when I obsess, I obsess.  I was weighing myself 2 times every day, religiously calorie counting, working out like a crazy person, and basically sank into a hole of self doubt and depression.

My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate.  As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.

And she was right.

So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me.  I have felt shame for  how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me.   I'm a bit dramatic.  I'm a bit reactive.  I'm a bit over sensitive.  I can be needy.  I still have some more weight to lose.  I could still work on improving the speed of my runs.  BUT,  I am strong.  And I determined.  And I can be funny.  And I'm loyal.  And I don't quit.  And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs.  And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.

I have come a long way.  Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different.  I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for myself.  But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved some things that weren't on my initial list.  And more importantly, I haven't given up on myself.  I did that once.  I will never do that again.  This is my journey.  Full of ups and downs and highs and lows.  But all mine...

Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently.  I think I stopped because the negative talk started up.  "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc."  But I care.  This is for me.  That's why I started it.  I share it because I need support on this journey.  And I need accountability.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.  But I think it was good for me.  And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.