Self Doubt

 I had a rotten day today.  From start to finish it just was a bad day.  Not the kids.  The kids were great. 

So I went to spin class looking forward to just killing myself and leaving it all there.  Got myself all set up, did some nice slow stretching, and jumped on. 

There was a ripped woman behind me.  She was chatting away with some of the other people.  THen our instructor got there and ripped lady introduced herself.  She's a new spin instructor at the Y.  My heart sank a little bit.  I have been trying to build myself up to ask about training and becoming a spin instructor.  I have been doubting if I am ready for something like that or if I still have more work I need to do for myself first. 

The two thoughts that kept going through my mind were a) I don't look anywhere near as fit as this woman so I was probably jumping the gun on actually becoming an instructor. And b) Even if it were possible I don't think I'll be able to get a working membership to help me pay for the training if they've already hired another instructor.

I don't know. Spent the whole ride full of doubt and upset and confused.  Didn't get what I needed to get out of it.  Worked hard.  Sweat.  Burned lots of calories.  But did not walk out feeling better then when I walked in.  Which was what I really needed tonight.

Back to Basics

I know I haven't blogged for awhile.  I've been in a pretty negative attitude about all of it.  I hit a plateau.  Then obsessed about the plateau.  And when I obsess, I obsess.  I was weighing myself 2 times every day, religiously calorie counting, working out like a crazy person, and basically sank into a hole of self doubt and depression.

My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate.  As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.

And she was right.

So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me.  I have felt shame for  how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me.   I'm a bit dramatic.  I'm a bit reactive.  I'm a bit over sensitive.  I can be needy.  I still have some more weight to lose.  I could still work on improving the speed of my runs.  BUT,  I am strong.  And I determined.  And I can be funny.  And I'm loyal.  And I don't quit.  And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs.  And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.

I have come a long way.  Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different.  I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for myself.  But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved some things that weren't on my initial list.  And more importantly, I haven't given up on myself.  I did that once.  I will never do that again.  This is my journey.  Full of ups and downs and highs and lows.  But all mine...

Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently.  I think I stopped because the negative talk started up.  "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc."  But I care.  This is for me.  That's why I started it.  I share it because I need support on this journey.  And I need accountability.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.  But I think it was good for me.  And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.