Trust

"Trust yourself."  "Trust me."  "Trust the process."  "Trust your body."  I don't know how many times he must have said words along those lines to me.  Because I can talk myself out of anything.  My inner dialogue was can't.  Just about every workout, for a long time, I said "I can't."  But after drilling it into my head that I could if I just trusted my body, it started to sink in.  And I really did get to a place where I believed I could do just about any physical challenge in front of me.  I may not nail it the first time around; but my body was capable of doing what I wanted it to do.  I just needed to get out of my own way.

Which is why I got up on that Ninja course rock wall that had no harness.  I just wanted to try.  I trusted.  But my body failed.  My knee dislocated.  It happened.  I tried and I not only failed, I seriously hurt myself.  And now I am struggling with rebuilding that trust within myself.  Because I have to be careful so I don't re-injure myself...but I now have fear in the back of my mind.

Mike posted a workout on his facebook page.  I immediately wrote it down and brought it to the gym ready to give it a go.  It was a plyometric workout so lots of jumping.  Box jumps were included in that.  I knew that I may have to modify some of the moves to be safe.  I even got the lowest box out and just did a step up to feel things out.  The way down is where I felt pain.  I sat there for a minute trying to decide if I was just afraid of hurting it or if I really needed to hold off.  I tried one more.  Same thing, pain on the way down.  I decided it was my body telling me that I wasn't there yet.

So I did 3 sets of 20 with a minute in between of this:

Back squats (just with the bar- 45 pounds- I'm also starting at ground zero there too)
Upright rows (40 pounds) 
Sumo Squats - no weight
Bicep curls- 40 pound

This was after a hill interval work out on the treadmill.  My knee is a bit sore. Lots of squatting.  I have ice on it.  It was the right decision.  I'm trying to rebuild, but I can't be stupid about it.  I also can't be scared.

Scared didn't get me anywhere.