Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Struggling

I am really struggling lately.  I'm being triggered all over the place.  And the negative things that keep running through my head...well it's that bitch again.  But she's doing a number on me.  I'm in a really bad place mentally and trying hard to get myself out of it.

There is this one mirror in the classroom that I work in.  And every time I walk past it, I see 257 pound Karen.  I see cellulite.  I see big arms.  I don't see anything I feel proud of.  I don't know what's happening.  I feel like I was stuck at a weight and switched things up in an attempt to get myself out of the plateau.  And I gained 10 pounds.  I don't know if it's muscle weight or not.  I have no tools to figure that out.  I have no scale.  I have no trainer.  So I have switched it back because I'd honestly rather be stuck at the 10 pounds less.  Why is it you always end up wanting what you had?  I have been working to eat healthy food and clean up my diet where it needed a little cleaning.  I know I don't always get it right.  But I try to get it right most of the time. 

I don't know if I'm just feeling badly because people are so fit here that I feel like I look worse then I really do?  I don't know if since no one here knows me and I don't get any sort of external feedback, I'm making up my own ugly dialogue?   I have to figure it out.  I know I do.  I know it's not good for me to start back with the self hate stuff.  I'm throwing it out there because I could use some support.  And historically when I stuff these feelings, well let's just say nothing good comes of it. 

I know I'm not 257 pound Karen anymore.  Why do I still feel like her?

1 comment:

  1. Karen, Please watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk
    You are very beautiful! Our culture defines beauty by how we look on the outside. God defines beauty by what we are like on the inside. God encourages women to cultivate a beauty that will never fade & that will only grow more attractive with the passing of time!

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