Falling Into Place

We have about a month until we move.  (For anyone living under a rock we are moving from Minnesota to Bend, Oregon in about a month now.)  We sold our house here, my husband has a job, I think we have found our house there.... but what I have been most anxious about is my gym.  Where will I train?

They Y has been such an integral part of our lives.  It was our life line in a lot of ways.   I got healthy there.  But it's been my kids' social outlet.  Their best friends are at the Y.  So I've been very concerned about how to re-create this.  It's only recently set in that I don't have to.  Bend is very different from East Saint Paul.  There are children playing EVERYWHERE.  It's a very active, relaxed community.  After visiting I don't think we're going to need the gym for a social outlet.  I need a gym with weights that I can train at.  That's it.

I did find some good options while out there.  None of them are the Y.  But I found one where we can all go to and I also found a good one where I was told I would be hired for spin instruction when we get there that has an excellent weight room.

So it will all work out.  It will look differently then it has.

And I'm finally in a calm place about that.

What Do I Want?

I have been working my ass off. 

And by that I mean, I have been lifting heavier.  I am still doing my spin and my jogging (God will I ever even almost like to jog?) but I have been focusing on gaining lean muscle mass in an attempt to lower my body fat.  Cause I felt like I was getting in better cardiovascular/muscle endurance shape, but I didn't necessarily feel stronger and I wasn't seeing the muscle definition I wanted.  I've always lifted heavier with Mike (my ex trainer and dear friend for anyone new reading), but without him I've stuck to mainly body weight exercises.

So now I feel like a bad ass. 

Except my shorts don't fit.  What the?! And I have to admit for the sake of the full transperency I promised myself (and anyone reading me) that I freaked the fuck out.  It triggered me so much I obsessively asked Bob and my friend if I looked more muscular or if I had just gained weight.  Because for a minute, I really really didn't know the answer.  I was in such a panic about it that I forgot how insanely hard I have been training.  I don't know if or when this will ever not be my reaction.  When I realize that I've tail spun again I feel ashamed.  Like shouldn't I have progressed enough emotionally that this is not my reaction every. single. time?  But I sort of think the answer is that this will probably always be my gut response.  Somehow along the way it solidified in my head that I am fat and not beautiful.  It seems ingrained.  I think what will change, hell what has changed, is how quickly I can rebound from this.  I have the ability to pull my shit together and move on.  I don't get stuck in that reaction.  Well, not for too long anyway. 

So yeah, my shorts are tight around my butt.  Because my butt is bigger.  Because I can dead lift 145 pounds, sqaut 155 pounds, and leg press 377 (6 reps!). And the lunges.  I used to hate lunges.  I'm currently obsessed with them.

So the question is do I want to be skinny?  Or do I want to be bad ass?

I don't even think I need to answer that.