Lose

It shouldn't matter.

I have been trying for 3 years to tell myself that the stupid number on the stupid scale doesn't matter.

But it fucking does.

It does! It does because I have worked so fucking hard.  I have.  For the past 3 years I have done everything Mike has told me to do.  I don't always get it right.  Sometimes I have to work at it before I accomplish it.  Get a heart rate monitor. Done.  Track your food.  Done. Eat this amount of calories. Done. Ok, now eat healthier calories. Ditch the ice cream and donuts.  DONE. Train like this. DONE.  I will do whatever he tells me to do.  Because I want this.  I really really want this.  I really want to be a spin instructor.  I really want to LOOK like a spin instructor.  I really want to hit all my goals.  I have earned it.

 This has been an emotionally challenging 2 weeks. This weight loss challenge has brought up some old demons.  The negative thoughts have been running rampant.  And I have been fighting them off.  Reminding myself about all of the progress I have made.  I am stronger.  I am more fit.  I am less afraid.  I have been more kind to myself.  But damn it.  I wanted that number to go down.  I earned it.  I really did.  I earned it and I didn't get it.

I feel like I am just spinning my wheels.  And I kind of want to quit.  I know I won't.  I promised myself I would never lose myself again.  I would never let myself get that unhealthy again.  But dammit if I am not struggling tonight.

So I have Chinese Food.  And Friday Night Lights.  And I'm eating it out of the carton.  Because apparently it doesn't matter anyway.

In It To WIN IT!

So I'm in on a challenge.  My trainer has a team and we are competing against other teams for most body fat percentage lost.  My trigger response was no. You don't want me on your team.  Historically I lose weight at a slug's pace.  It's ridiculous. I keep losing, but so painfully slow it's almost laughable.
But I quickly realized that this was something I needed to do.  My own Biggest Loser episode.  I have to cut out anything with higher fat for 12 days.  I don't eat a lot of high fat foods but I definitely allow myself the occasional indulgence so I don't feel deprived.  But not for 12 days.  I keep repeating to myself, "What can you not do for 12 days?"

I did my weigh in for the challenge.  I won't give you all the dirty details because....well, because I'm still a bit ashamed of them.  I have the second highest body fat percentage on the team.  This was a somewhat humiliating realization.  And some added pressure because I clearly need to pull my weight (pun intended) in this challenge.  The good news is that I also got my measurements taken and I have made some pretty significant progress as far as losing inches.  That was uplifting and I will focus on those numbers to motivate me!

Game plan is clean eating.  Lower intensity cardio.  Some 2 a day work outs.  And weight training with lower weight at higher reps. 

I got this. 

Desperately Seeking MWFGR (Married White Female Gym Rat)

Find a work out buddy.

It's what you read everywhere! What they don't really explain is just how hard it is to actually find a work out buddy.  I have been thinking about this since last night.  Because I was asked to be someone's gym buddy last night.  I eventually declined.  Only because "Creepy Randy" as I will refer to him was well, creepy. Within 20 minutes he was trying to tell me how I needed to add Creatine to get even stronger although he admitted he asked me because I was "pretty strong for a girl."   Randy is a trainer at another gym. (The chain is escaping me at the moment.) This was why I initially agreed to join him.  Because while I was on the bench he initially complimented me on the weight I was pressing, then explained that he was a trainer, then said he worked out at the Y instead of his gym so he could not have to be in trainer mode, then proceeded to train me.  (I will admit my arms hurt this morning.)  As I tried to get to know Randy I learned that he had a girlfriend, although they were on the outs because she used to work out with him and now she didn't.  Ah....and this has just taken a different turn.  Suddenly the questions changed.  "Are you married?" "Yep!" "Where is your ring?" "In a little bowl on our bathroom sink" (Awkward silence) "Does your husband care if you work out with a man?" "Nope, my trainer is a man.  We have this trust thing going on." (silence) "Can I get your number? How about Saturday night?" "I don't usually work out Saturday night. And I don't just give my number to guys I don't know.  If you want to meet up Saturday morning I could maybe do that." (silence) "I was kind of thinking Saturday night." "Well....." lol.

Needless to say creepy Randy will not be my work out partner.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't flattered to have been asked by anyone.  Because the truth is I really do want a work out partner.  And also in truth I don't think it can be the husband.  You may or may not know this about Bob, but he's a bit of a know it all.  So I can suggest the exact same thing as my trainer does (because it came from him) and Bob dismisses it until it comes out of the professional's mouth. Plus we just don't gel well in the gym.  And it could be awkward when I want to box because I'm pissed at him and then proceed to actually punch him.   So it can't be the husband.  But it turns out that it is really hard to find a work out buddy.  Think about it.  You have to find someone on relatively the same schedule, you have to enjoy relatively the same style of working out (although busting out of your routine is always a good thing, but if fundamentally you hate the other's go to then it just won't work), you have to have good chemistry, and you have to be at similar fitness levels so that you not either a) the student or b) the teacher.  And most people are doing their own thing at the gym.  So how do you tap on someone's shoulder...without being creepy Randy?
   
I almost wish there was a sign up sheet! Or like a gym chat room! Need a buddy? Sign up here and we'll match you up! (Could bypass the awkward propositioning!)  Maybe I should put up my own sign..like in the same place where people putting their looking for a roommate signs? Set up an open call audition? 

Until I either get some excellent pointer or my perfect gym buddy falls from the sky, I guess  I'll be going it alone...trying desperately to never make eye contact with Creepy Randy again.