Sunday, October 27, 2013

Does the Outside Match the Inside?

It's undeniable that I have done some external work on myself.  But today someone commented that I needed to do more internal work.  It was harsh feedback.  And of course I do.  But I felt kicked down.  And even more I felt confused that all the internal work I have been doing has seemingly gone unnoticed.  So maybe it isn't apparent?  The comment bumps up into my desire for external recognition.  For most of my life I have relied on what other people thought of me to tell me what I should think about me.  For most of my life I have worried if someone didn't like me.  There have been times I should have been proud of myself, but because someone else didn't acknowledge it, I wasn't.  I have swallowed and believed every negative thing anyone has ever said about me.  It's true.  The absolute worst thing you could do was to tell me you don't like me.

When I started on this weight loss journey it was only about the size of my pants.  Crying in the middle of a plank though made it glaringly clear to me that it was so much deeper then that.  I always knew I was kind of a mess, but I didn't know why and I didn't know what to do about it.

Things have changed.  They have.  I can set boundaries for myself.  I can face things I am afraid of head on.  I am more afraid of regret then failure now.  I can get to a place where I understand that someone's crazy, though directed at me, is not necessarily about me.  I have value in what I think about myself.  I know who I am.  No, I am proud of who I am.  I am not perfect.  I can be too loud.  I can over -share.  I can be a little too direct for some people.  But I am me.

Take it or leave it.


  1. I love you just the way you are, Karen! We all have things about ourselves we need to work on. You are wonderful!