Does the Outside Match the Inside?

It's undeniable that I have done some external work on myself.  But today someone commented that I needed to do more internal work.  It was harsh feedback.  And of course I do.  But I felt kicked down.  And even more I felt confused that all the internal work I have been doing has seemingly gone unnoticed.  So maybe it isn't apparent?  The comment bumps up into my desire for external recognition.  For most of my life I have relied on what other people thought of me to tell me what I should think about me.  For most of my life I have worried if someone didn't like me.  There have been times I should have been proud of myself, but because someone else didn't acknowledge it, I wasn't.  I have swallowed and believed every negative thing anyone has ever said about me.  It's true.  The absolute worst thing you could do was to tell me you don't like me.

When I started on this weight loss journey it was only about the size of my pants.  Crying in the middle of a plank though made it glaringly clear to me that it was so much deeper then that.  I always knew I was kind of a mess, but I didn't know why and I didn't know what to do about it.

Things have changed.  They have.  I can set boundaries for myself.  I can face things I am afraid of head on.  I am more afraid of regret then failure now.  I can get to a place where I understand that someone's crazy, though directed at me, is not necessarily about me.  I have value in what I think about myself.  I know who I am.  No, I am proud of who I am.  I am not perfect.  I can be too loud.  I can over -share.  I can be a little too direct for some people.  But I am me.

Take it or leave it.

Will Power

 This ran through my head several times today. Because I knew it was going to be a big day, both emotionally and physically.  Searching for some motivation before I took off, I found this gem.  And I am so glad because I needed to dig deep.

And I did.

It started this morning bright an early with a spin class from the instructor who is going to train me to instruct for Lifetime.  Her classes are unbelievably challenging.  Following that was my first try out with her.  And I did good.  She seemed pleased and told Mike that I did great.  I was incredibly nervous and shaky and the first song I was basically just freaking out.  But I pulled my shit together.  I have a shot here and I am not going to let myself freak myself out of it.  That's old Karen.  The new Karen pulls her shit together and does what she needs to do. 

Then after all of that, my trainer had a boxing workout with me....because clearly I needed some more cardio.  I started to panic about half way through.  "I have no more fuel." "I don't think I can do this."  "Why is he making me box?!"  But again.  Pulled myself together.  Trusted the process.  Because part of this new step is helping teach other people how to break through their walls.   So I have to keep breaking through my own.

But I realized something today probably for the first time in this whole journey.  This really is mental.  If I TELL myself I can....I can.  Has this journey been physical? Clearly you have to start somewhere, and clearly I have made massive strides in my overall fitness.  But I have still been relying on my increased strength, my increased cardiovascular capacity.  I have never truly understood that I am the one making myself doing this.  This is mental.  I did 2 1/2 hours of hard training and burned roughly 1900 calories.  And I did it.  I made myself do it and I did it. 

I have never felt so strong.