Go Get Em Out There

We did it.  We're moving back to Oregon.

I'm a different person going back then who I was when I left.  I was a kid.  I  just had a kid.  Me and Bob were struggling.  There was family drama.  And I ran away.

I have done a lot of work on myself, both physically and emotionally.  This isn't to say that I don't have a ways to go; but I am pretty proud of all the steps I have taken.  I continue to grow and push myself out of my comfort zone.

So I'm moving back a stronger, more confident Karen.  I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.  I'm more prepared for set backs, or conflicts that may come up.  I am re-centered.  I'm ready.

We said good-bye to Mike (my trainer and friend) and Andrea (his wife and my dear friend). As I was hugging him good-bye he whispered "Go get em out there."  It has been playing through my head since.  I'm a fighter.  I fought my way back.  I'm not ever going to give up.  And I'm ready for new challenges. 

But there has been one thing I haven't done; and it needed to be done before I start this next chapter in my life. 

I left my scale.  Gone.  I don't have one.  From now on I don't obsess about that number.  I knew it couldn't come with me.  It was a crutch.  And an unhealthy one.  I was so afraid of that number that I could barely acknowledge any other progress made.  I can't keep doing that.  I'm not afraid of going backwards.  Even if I have set backs now and again.  I know what I need to do to get myself back on track.  I don't need the number to tell me that.

Thank you Mike, well, for everything.  But also for always knowing what to say to me.  No matter how small, it is always the thing I need to hear.  And thanks to all of my friends and family who have supported me along the way.  It has helped me stay accountable and I have felt your love when I was doubting myself.

I'm jumping into a new life over here.  I don't know what it looks like yet.  But I do know I'm gonna rock it.

Baby Got Back!

I have some updated pictures! I've been trying to focus on my back muscles to tone things up back there!  I dare say it's working.  Initially looking at the first pictures I took here, http://thefoodwar.blogspot.com/2014/04/progress.html, I thought it looked like I had more muscle tone in the first set.  But upon obsessively studying them I realized something....I think I've lost some body fat in that area!  It's a bit smoother back there!!

Take a look and tell me what you think.

Assisted Pull Up Machine. It's at 80. But I can actually do 70 now. I just did a lot of other back work tonight. And yes I'm totally bragging!

 

 

 

I even like how my butt is looking! I don't think those words have EVER come out of my mouth before!!

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself at the moment....

Next Challenge- Bend Or Bust Bitches!

They say that you should sign up for a race, or a mud run, or something to keep you going.  Something you are training for, working toward.

I found mine.

I hate races.  Basically because I hate running.  I do it as an added fitness tool; but I have never, nor will I probably ever, enjoy it.  Not even one second of it.  I also have zero desire to trudge around in the mud.  (I would actually love to do an obstacle type race but until they stop adding the mud and electrical wires I'm gonna have to pass).

But I love my spin. The irony is that I am scared of actual bike riding.  Mainly because of the cars.  So looking through my facebook feed today I found this:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152225009293925&set=a.101921808924.92996.45558458924&type=1&theater

A bike scenic tour in Bend, Oregon with NO CARS.  This will be a beast I'm sure.  And my tummy is already rumbling with nerves thinking about it.  Which is how I know it's my next challenge!

I'm going for it.  I think Bend is going to be a great place for me to pursue outdoor recreational activities that push me out of my comfort zone and are athletically challenging.  I can't wait.

As my cousin would say, "Bend or Bust Bitches!"

Falling Into Place

We have about a month until we move.  (For anyone living under a rock we are moving from Minnesota to Bend, Oregon in about a month now.)  We sold our house here, my husband has a job, I think we have found our house there.... but what I have been most anxious about is my gym.  Where will I train?

They Y has been such an integral part of our lives.  It was our life line in a lot of ways.   I got healthy there.  But it's been my kids' social outlet.  Their best friends are at the Y.  So I've been very concerned about how to re-create this.  It's only recently set in that I don't have to.  Bend is very different from East Saint Paul.  There are children playing EVERYWHERE.  It's a very active, relaxed community.  After visiting I don't think we're going to need the gym for a social outlet.  I need a gym with weights that I can train at.  That's it.

I did find some good options while out there.  None of them are the Y.  But I found one where we can all go to and I also found a good one where I was told I would be hired for spin instruction when we get there that has an excellent weight room.

So it will all work out.  It will look differently then it has.

And I'm finally in a calm place about that.

What Do I Want?

I have been working my ass off. 

And by that I mean, I have been lifting heavier.  I am still doing my spin and my jogging (God will I ever even almost like to jog?) but I have been focusing on gaining lean muscle mass in an attempt to lower my body fat.  Cause I felt like I was getting in better cardiovascular/muscle endurance shape, but I didn't necessarily feel stronger and I wasn't seeing the muscle definition I wanted.  I've always lifted heavier with Mike (my ex trainer and dear friend for anyone new reading), but without him I've stuck to mainly body weight exercises.

So now I feel like a bad ass. 

Except my shorts don't fit.  What the?! And I have to admit for the sake of the full transperency I promised myself (and anyone reading me) that I freaked the fuck out.  It triggered me so much I obsessively asked Bob and my friend if I looked more muscular or if I had just gained weight.  Because for a minute, I really really didn't know the answer.  I was in such a panic about it that I forgot how insanely hard I have been training.  I don't know if or when this will ever not be my reaction.  When I realize that I've tail spun again I feel ashamed.  Like shouldn't I have progressed enough emotionally that this is not my reaction every. single. time?  But I sort of think the answer is that this will probably always be my gut response.  Somehow along the way it solidified in my head that I am fat and not beautiful.  It seems ingrained.  I think what will change, hell what has changed, is how quickly I can rebound from this.  I have the ability to pull my shit together and move on.  I don't get stuck in that reaction.  Well, not for too long anyway. 

So yeah, my shorts are tight around my butt.  Because my butt is bigger.  Because I can dead lift 145 pounds, sqaut 155 pounds, and leg press 377 (6 reps!). And the lunges.  I used to hate lunges.  I'm currently obsessed with them.

So the question is do I want to be skinny?  Or do I want to be bad ass?

I don't even think I need to answer that.

A Shift

I'm changing.

I mean, I have been changing.  But I have started to lift heavier these past few weeks.  A switch from the high intensity cardio that has been my bread and butter.  I've always done strength training.  But it's occurred to me that I was doing more muscle endurance work.  A trainer friend of mine suggested that I start lifting heavier to add more muscle mass.

NO! Add muscle mass?  Are you insane?  I don't need any mass of any sort added.  But I thought about it.  And it's something I haven't ever really done.  I mean, I did some power lifting with Mike occasionally, but honestly since we're not at the same gym anymore he's been piecing work outs together for me.  I'm ready for something else.  So she wrote out what things she wanted me to do.  And I've been doing them. 

And I'm changing.  Not only do I feel like my clothes are fitting a little different.  My mind is different.  I feel a little like a bad ass.  I really do.  And I find myself catching glimpses in the mirror and instead of cringing, I find myself thinking, "I love my shoulder muscle that's developing!"  I love feeling strong.  It has boosted my confidence.  I feel like I can absolutely be an instructor.  I absolutely have something to offer.  I absolutely could inspire someone.

Everyone knows the idea that you want your inner to match your outer.  Well, my outer and my inner were a complete mess.  When I started this, I was struggling in my marriage.  I was so insecure and unsure of myself.  And I was a tired mom.  I didn't even know where to start.  Along the way I have been trying to address both my inner and my outer.  But I kept expecting that once I lost some weight I would feel better about myself and that would take care of the inner.  I know!  I know, everyone thinks that!  But I really did.  I don't think that anymore.  My focus has changed.  I no longer worry if I am losing weight or thin.  I am stoked that I benched 135 pounds.  I love seeing my calf muscle when I walk.  I know that taking a walk when I'm upset will make me feel better then a donut (and you all know how much I love my donuts). 

I'm changing. 

Progress

Had some pictures taken of my back today.  A friend told me that my back muscles were starting to show more and I didn't believe her.  You all know how I feel about pictures of myself, and even though I immediately note the areas I still see as trouble areas, I can't deny that I see muscle definition.

Assisted Pull ups

Yeah, clearly my triceps and biceps need some love. But I have muscle definition. IN. MY. BACK!

Lat Machine

 

 I'm getting there.