Tis the Season

These:

They are called Thumbprints and my Grandma used to make them every Christmas.  And they are my favorite cookies ever.  EVER.  And my mom now makes them every Christmas.  These cookies are complicated for me because not only are they the BEST COOKIE EVER (have I mentioned they're my favorite?) they remind me of my Grandmother. 

I haven't yet uploaded the recipe to find out the damage on these bad boys, but I walked into the kitchen last night and saw 5 butter wrappers discarded.  Oh no.  Somewhere in my mind I convinced myself that 2-3 a night if I trained really really hard would not do that much damage.  And maybe I'll plug it in to My Fitness Pal and still find that.  But something about those butter wrappers tells me that it will be even worse then I thought. 

I know life is all about balance.  But when it comes to sweets, I'm a little like a crack addict.  I don't balance it well at all.  One cookie turns into 10 cookies.  Almost every time.  In fact I have 3 last night.....before they were even done.  They are little and delicious and my mouth is watering just thinking about them. 

So there will be no cookies until Christmas Eve. Or at least, this is my goal.  At some point along my journey, my will was much more absolute.  I was a machine.  But stalled weight loss and not reaching my goal took a tole on me.  I started making calorie counting just as sick as the bulimia.  I obsessed.  In a really unhealthy manner.  So my challenge is now how to keep myself accountable without obsessing.  But I'm a crack addict.  Or a cookie addict.  Tomato or tomata really at this point, because they will both kill me early.  An addict's an addict. 

I can do this.  I just have to avoid the kitchen for 3 days. No biggy....

Making Choices

I made good choices yesterday.

Not perfect ones.  But good ones.

I had 2 Lindt white chocolate balls.  Because they are the best things ever and sitting at work staring at me.  But then I walked a mile and a half during my lunch break.  This started out at penance for the chocolate balls, but turned out to be a really helpful pick me up in the middle of the day.

Then I was running errands and STARVING.  I literally walked up to a donut shop that I saw while walking into another store.  I must have looked like a crazy person deciding whether or not to go in.  But I haven't had a donut since we moved from Minnesota.  Why would I pick up that splurge again?  Giving it up hasn't made an ounce of difference in my weight.  But it's been emotionally healthy for me not to indulge and then kill myself at the gym all in the name of donuts.

Then we went to Grant's Christmas concert where there was cake afterward.  Normally I would have a hard time focusing on anything else because I want cake!!  I asked Bob if he wanted to split a piece (they were small pieces in all fairness).  He left me more of the cake part because I'm not a frosting girl, and I took a bite deciding to consciously  enjoy my few bites of cake.  But it didn't taste good.  I don't know if it's the cake or if it's because I'm a bit pickier about my indulgences these days but I gave the rest to Grant.

I felt really proud of myself.  I wasn't perfect.  But I made some solid choices that I felt good about.  That's what it's all about right? Progress not perfection?

Training With Lance

So part of my sub training is to take a bazillian classes at the club I want to teach at to inundate myself with the style and skills of the other instructors.  This mainly means I have been taking classes at 5:45 am or on Saturdays since I work during all the other day times.  And they don't have a lot of evening classes, so hopefully that's where I can find my own niche.

But I have been kind of dying to take Frank's class.  Frank trained on the same team as Lance Armstrong.  THE Lance Armstrong. 

Yes, I know.  Turns out he's a bit of a cheater. But performance enhancing drugs or not, he's a strong athlete.  Frank is bad ass.  Trained with the best of the best.  Olympic trials.  Racing teams. 

And I got to take his class.

It was a great class!  I tried to just absorb everything he was saying.  Which was harder then one would think because it was a seriously tough ride.  But I was proud of myself for getting through it.  And even prouder of myself for having enough guts to introduce myself.  "Great! I will definitely use you!"

WHAT?  Really?  But I still have weight to lose!  I don't look like you do!  I'm just a mom who loves to work out....how in the hell does a guy who rode with Armstrong think that I could sub for him?

 I always assume that people won't take me seriously until I get the rest of this stubborn weight off.  And sometimes that happens.  Sometimes some judgy bitch (and not the one in my head) gives me the up and down look and I know what she's thinking.  In my healthier moments I tell her she doesn't know anything about me or how far I have come.  Other times I believe her look.

But this guy seemed to take me seriously.  I think I need to really take myself seriously.

Struggling

I am really struggling lately.  I'm being triggered all over the place.  And the negative things that keep running through my head...well it's that bitch again.  But she's doing a number on me.  I'm in a really bad place mentally and trying hard to get myself out of it.

There is this one mirror in the classroom that I work in.  And every time I walk past it, I see 257 pound Karen.  I see cellulite.  I see big arms.  I don't see anything I feel proud of.  I don't know what's happening.  I feel like I was stuck at a weight and switched things up in an attempt to get myself out of the plateau.  And I gained 10 pounds.  I don't know if it's muscle weight or not.  I have no tools to figure that out.  I have no scale.  I have no trainer.  So I have switched it back because I'd honestly rather be stuck at the 10 pounds less.  Why is it you always end up wanting what you had?  I have been working to eat healthy food and clean up my diet where it needed a little cleaning.  I know I don't always get it right.  But I try to get it right most of the time. 

I don't know if I'm just feeling badly because people are so fit here that I feel like I look worse then I really do?  I don't know if since no one here knows me and I don't get any sort of external feedback, I'm making up my own ugly dialogue?   I have to figure it out.  I know I do.  I know it's not good for me to start back with the self hate stuff.  I'm throwing it out there because I could use some support.  And historically when I stuff these feelings, well let's just say nothing good comes of it. 

I know I'm not 257 pound Karen anymore.  Why do I still feel like her?

Cousin Bonding

My cousin Tony trains.  And I mean he trains.  He did some ultimate fighting stuff for awhile and I can imagine he was pretty good because this kid is not messing around.  I have been enjoying spending more time with my cousins and getting to know them as adults.  I knew Tony trained, and I knew he worked out in a garage gym, and I needed to get a good hard work out in.  I took a chance and asked him if I could work out with him.

I walked in to this:

Old school.  Bad Ass.  So basic, but so beautiful.  It had everything, including jump ropes, tires, sledge hammers, squat rack, jump boxes, rings, ropes...seriously, they put one hell of a little gym together in that garage.

It was really fun.  It was a really hard work out and very much like Mike's style.  It felt really good and I got to spend some good time with my cousin.  Can't wait to do it again next time I'm in town Tony!!

My box jump....Tony's box jump. bahahaha! Clearly I have some catching up to do!!

Training.

I'm enjoying the variety and intensity of my work outs.  Kind of feel bad ass at the end of them.  And you all know that I like work outs where I feel bad ass.  Dripping with sweat, heavy breathing, legs shaking....

Today was 45 minutes of interval training on the bike.
Followed by 3 sets with 20 reps of each with no rest in between sets.

Deadlifts- 60 pound barbell
Step ups on the bench
Reverse push-ups on the smith machine bar
Thrusts- 30 pound barbell.

705 calories burned.

I've decided to alternate high reps/low weight and high weight /low reps.  What I'm not entirely sure is how often I should switch it up.

Anyone have any opinions? Mike?

Crossfit Copycat

Kidding.

I don't do crossfit.  Mainly because I can't afford to do it.  But also while I have dabbled in other training philosophies, I have found my way back to the one that got me to where I am.  Mike Knox training.  It's high interval, strength endurance, crazy ass, train until you can't move or want to puke training.  And I love it.  And for me it works. And each time I have tried a different style, thinking it's always good to switch things up (and it is) I haven't seen the results I saw.  My body needs to strength train. FOR SURE.  But it needs to sweat.  It needs to sprint.  It needs the endurance training, and I see results.  My body fat goes down, I feel leaner, and I am cardiovascularly stronger. 

Truth be told I wish he was still training me.  I miss working with him.  I miss his work outs, though I am trying to mimic them.  And I miss the support and encouragement.  I'm on my own.

The other day I ran across this article. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/01/fitness-test-strength_n_5627523.html?utm_hp_ref=health-fitness&ir=Health+and+Fitness.  And I haven't done a fitness test in awhile.  I decided to give the crossfit one a try to see where I was at.

500 meter row, 40 air squats, 30 sit ups, 20 push ups, and 10 pull ups. Intermediate score for women is 8:30.  After a bit longer of a warm up then I had accounted for (waiting for the one rower to open up) I started in.  My only caveat is that I could not put a band up for the pull-ups because there is only one place to do that and it was already in use.  So I used the assisted pull up machine.  I put it at a low weight for assistance (70) but I know that the band is a bit tougher.  (I'm working up to a pull up but haven't gotten there. Times like this is when I wish I had my trainer to help push me to that level)

But I finished it in 6:09.  Felt pretty good about it.  Even with the band instead of the machine I know I would have come in under that 8:30.  It only took me 2:30 to row the 500 meters!

Don't get me wrong.  I KNOW I still have a long way to go.  But today I proved to myself I have come farther then I usually give myself credit for.