Marathon?

Don't misunderstand. I am by no means declaring that I am going to do a marathon.  Do I need to repeat that?  I have always said there is not one ounce in me that feels like I need to do this.  Not on my bucket list.  It will never be a regret.

That said, I'm a competitive bastard.  So when I casually mentioned that me and Andrea had very briefly discussed walking a marathon as opposed to running one and my lovingly supportive husband declared, "You can't walk a marathon!!!" something happened.

Why can't I?  Are there rules that actually say you can't walk it?  Will I not feel like I have accomplished something if I don't run it?  Am I taking the easy way out?  Turns out he only really meant that there isn't enough time to walk the marathon if you aren't a speed walker. And I don't want to do that. Those guys are bad ass.   My trainer suggested that we alternate. Jog 2 miles, walk 1 etc. Now that is something I can wrap my brain around and it got me thinking...

So I did some research.  Turns out marathons courses are open for 8 hours, which comes down to basically an 18 minute mile. Well, I can do that!!   Especially if I alternate running and walking.  There are a couple of marathons designed just for walkers but they are fairly far away. If I were to do this I would only do the Twin Cities one so I could be close to home as I am sure I would die after. (Bob has since informed me that The Twin Cities Marathon is only open for 6.....that sounds harder. lol)

I put on my running shoes this morning and decided to just see where my starting point was and if this were perhaps something achievable.

I did 10 miles.  Alternating jogging and walking mile by mile.

Well I'll be damned.

I still don't know if I will do this.  But it's in the back of my mind as a possibility.

My Inner Zen

The past few days have been good for me. 

Let me start over.  The past couple of days I have been super tired and cranky.  BUT, I have done some serious training and walked out of the gym feeling so much healthier. And stronger.

Tonight, my Body Pump (strength training class) instructor told me I brought good energy to the class and he enjoyed having me there.

It made me feel really good.  Because I know how far I still have to go.  I know the scale is not moving the way I want it to.  I know that I still compare myself to others instead of comparing me to me. So it really meant something that he commented on my energy.  Not my strength.  Not my progress.  My energy.

It's something I still need to focus on.  Myself.  Because I like who I am in the gym.  I like how I feel.  I like who I see.  This doesn't come easy for me outside of the gym.  I focus on the scale.  And the calories.  And the clothes. 

My goal for the next few weeks is to stop worrying about what is not going the way I want it to go and to focus on my energy.  What am I putting out into the universe?  Maybe, just maybe it will come back to me.
 

Self Doubt

 I had a rotten day today.  From start to finish it just was a bad day.  Not the kids.  The kids were great. 

So I went to spin class looking forward to just killing myself and leaving it all there.  Got myself all set up, did some nice slow stretching, and jumped on. 

There was a ripped woman behind me.  She was chatting away with some of the other people.  THen our instructor got there and ripped lady introduced herself.  She's a new spin instructor at the Y.  My heart sank a little bit.  I have been trying to build myself up to ask about training and becoming a spin instructor.  I have been doubting if I am ready for something like that or if I still have more work I need to do for myself first. 

The two thoughts that kept going through my mind were a) I don't look anywhere near as fit as this woman so I was probably jumping the gun on actually becoming an instructor. And b) Even if it were possible I don't think I'll be able to get a working membership to help me pay for the training if they've already hired another instructor.

I don't know. Spent the whole ride full of doubt and upset and confused.  Didn't get what I needed to get out of it.  Worked hard.  Sweat.  Burned lots of calories.  But did not walk out feeling better then when I walked in.  Which was what I really needed tonight.

Back to Basics

I know I haven't blogged for awhile.  I've been in a pretty negative attitude about all of it.  I hit a plateau.  Then obsessed about the plateau.  And when I obsess, I obsess.  I was weighing myself 2 times every day, religiously calorie counting, working out like a crazy person, and basically sank into a hole of self doubt and depression.

My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate.  As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.

And she was right.

So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me.  I have felt shame for  how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me.   I'm a bit dramatic.  I'm a bit reactive.  I'm a bit over sensitive.  I can be needy.  I still have some more weight to lose.  I could still work on improving the speed of my runs.  BUT,  I am strong.  And I determined.  And I can be funny.  And I'm loyal.  And I don't quit.  And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs.  And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.

I have come a long way.  Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different.  I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for myself.  But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved some things that weren't on my initial list.  And more importantly, I haven't given up on myself.  I did that once.  I will never do that again.  This is my journey.  Full of ups and downs and highs and lows.  But all mine...

Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently.  I think I stopped because the negative talk started up.  "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc."  But I care.  This is for me.  That's why I started it.  I share it because I need support on this journey.  And I need accountability.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.  But I think it was good for me.  And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.

Inspire

When we got to the gym tonight, we realized it was the Y's Halloween party.

d'oh.  How in the world did we miss that?!

I thought that I had managed to escape having to go because the boys sprinted by without even a second glance in the direction of the party.  I hopped on the treadmill and started my run, only to look over and see both of their faces pressed against the window that looks out over the gym.  It was near impossible to focus watching their little faces, so I hopped off to find out when the party was over.  7:30.  It didn't leave me with much time.  So I sprinted my two miles (PR by the way!) so that I could get them at least the last 30 minutes of the festivities.

We made it downstairs, got in, did our activities and then they asked if they could play in the child center a bit longer.  Excited I could finish my run we made a bee line back upstairs.

I jumped on a different treadmill.  I had had a pretty intense pace with some incline the first time around and was feeling pretty strong.  Taking the break interrupted that and I found it a bit harder to regain my focus.  I finished another mile and a half.  Still fairly good but a bit more huffing and puffing.  After the first mile I almost called it good.  I usually only run 3 and knew Bob was getting antsy to go.  I paused and noticed the girl running next to me pushing herself.  "If she can do this I can do this," I thought to myself.  I'm such a competitive bastard.  But it got me back on.  I did another half a mile and the faster pace I was going and added even more incline.  Feeling much better I stopped the machine.

 As I was getting off the girl next to me said, "You set my pace tonight, just thought you should know!"  I laughed and said, "You were my inspiration to get back on tonight!" We both laughed realizing that we had both unknowingly been pushing each other.  I have been thinking about it all night. You just never know where you will find your inspiration. 

And you never know when you will be someone's else's....

This One's A Fighter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxV-OOIamyk

My new theme song.  This one comes out when I think I am going to die and have nothing left. 

Humble Pie

Went to LA Fitness (the gym we're using while on vacay) for a boot camp. It was a pretty tough class but I have been prepared for tough.

As I was getting the shit kicked out of me and noticed a woman stretching. "Damn she's flexible," I thought as she brought her leg straight up the wall. Flat. Amazing.  I wish my butt looked liked that.

I watched her stretch and stretch and stretch. Sort of confused by all the stretching I dismissed it that maybe it was her stretching day (?) While she was trim she wasn't necessarily built, although maybe she was a dancer with flexibility like that?  I found myself watching her, going back and forth between rolling my eyes at all the stretching, and envious of the butt.

As we were stretching, post ass kicking, she walked toward us and I got a better look.  I don't think I have ever seen anyone wear so much make up to the gym. Not a hair out of place and lip gloss perfectly applied, she sauntered around. Done stretching but not sure what else to do?

Then I noticed it.  Her t-shirt. It read, "Your work out is my warm up."

I giggled out loud.

I don't know if this really was just her stretching day in the gym. I don't know if she kills it every other day to get that butt or if she is genetically blessed.  All I know is that unless you are actively killing it you probably shouldn't wear that t-shirt to the gym. Because today my work out was most definitely not your warm up.

I found myself vowing no matter how good my ass may or may not look at the end of all of this, to remember to be humble about it.