Lose

It shouldn't matter.

I have been trying for 3 years to tell myself that the stupid number on the stupid scale doesn't matter.

But it fucking does.

It does! It does because I have worked so fucking hard.  I have.  For the past 3 years I have done everything Mike has told me to do.  I don't always get it right.  Sometimes I have to work at it before I accomplish it.  Get a heart rate monitor. Done.  Track your food.  Done. Eat this amount of calories. Done. Ok, now eat healthier calories. Ditch the ice cream and donuts.  DONE. Train like this. DONE.  I will do whatever he tells me to do.  Because I want this.  I really really want this.  I really want to be a spin instructor.  I really want to LOOK like a spin instructor.  I really want to hit all my goals.  I have earned it.

 This has been an emotionally challenging 2 weeks. This weight loss challenge has brought up some old demons.  The negative thoughts have been running rampant.  And I have been fighting them off.  Reminding myself about all of the progress I have made.  I am stronger.  I am more fit.  I am less afraid.  I have been more kind to myself.  But damn it.  I wanted that number to go down.  I earned it.  I really did.  I earned it and I didn't get it.

I feel like I am just spinning my wheels.  And I kind of want to quit.  I know I won't.  I promised myself I would never lose myself again.  I would never let myself get that unhealthy again.  But dammit if I am not struggling tonight.

So I have Chinese Food.  And Friday Night Lights.  And I'm eating it out of the carton.  Because apparently it doesn't matter anyway.

In It To WIN IT!

So I'm in on a challenge.  My trainer has a team and we are competing against other teams for most body fat percentage lost.  My trigger response was no. You don't want me on your team.  Historically I lose weight at a slug's pace.  It's ridiculous. I keep losing, but so painfully slow it's almost laughable.
But I quickly realized that this was something I needed to do.  My own Biggest Loser episode.  I have to cut out anything with higher fat for 12 days.  I don't eat a lot of high fat foods but I definitely allow myself the occasional indulgence so I don't feel deprived.  But not for 12 days.  I keep repeating to myself, "What can you not do for 12 days?"

I did my weigh in for the challenge.  I won't give you all the dirty details because....well, because I'm still a bit ashamed of them.  I have the second highest body fat percentage on the team.  This was a somewhat humiliating realization.  And some added pressure because I clearly need to pull my weight (pun intended) in this challenge.  The good news is that I also got my measurements taken and I have made some pretty significant progress as far as losing inches.  That was uplifting and I will focus on those numbers to motivate me!

Game plan is clean eating.  Lower intensity cardio.  Some 2 a day work outs.  And weight training with lower weight at higher reps. 

I got this. 

Desperately Seeking MWFGR (Married White Female Gym Rat)

Find a work out buddy.

It's what you read everywhere! What they don't really explain is just how hard it is to actually find a work out buddy.  I have been thinking about this since last night.  Because I was asked to be someone's gym buddy last night.  I eventually declined.  Only because "Creepy Randy" as I will refer to him was well, creepy. Within 20 minutes he was trying to tell me how I needed to add Creatine to get even stronger although he admitted he asked me because I was "pretty strong for a girl."   Randy is a trainer at another gym. (The chain is escaping me at the moment.) This was why I initially agreed to join him.  Because while I was on the bench he initially complimented me on the weight I was pressing, then explained that he was a trainer, then said he worked out at the Y instead of his gym so he could not have to be in trainer mode, then proceeded to train me.  (I will admit my arms hurt this morning.)  As I tried to get to know Randy I learned that he had a girlfriend, although they were on the outs because she used to work out with him and now she didn't.  Ah....and this has just taken a different turn.  Suddenly the questions changed.  "Are you married?" "Yep!" "Where is your ring?" "In a little bowl on our bathroom sink" (Awkward silence) "Does your husband care if you work out with a man?" "Nope, my trainer is a man.  We have this trust thing going on." (silence) "Can I get your number? How about Saturday night?" "I don't usually work out Saturday night. And I don't just give my number to guys I don't know.  If you want to meet up Saturday morning I could maybe do that." (silence) "I was kind of thinking Saturday night." "Well....." lol.

Needless to say creepy Randy will not be my work out partner.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't flattered to have been asked by anyone.  Because the truth is I really do want a work out partner.  And also in truth I don't think it can be the husband.  You may or may not know this about Bob, but he's a bit of a know it all.  So I can suggest the exact same thing as my trainer does (because it came from him) and Bob dismisses it until it comes out of the professional's mouth. Plus we just don't gel well in the gym.  And it could be awkward when I want to box because I'm pissed at him and then proceed to actually punch him.   So it can't be the husband.  But it turns out that it is really hard to find a work out buddy.  Think about it.  You have to find someone on relatively the same schedule, you have to enjoy relatively the same style of working out (although busting out of your routine is always a good thing, but if fundamentally you hate the other's go to then it just won't work), you have to have good chemistry, and you have to be at similar fitness levels so that you not either a) the student or b) the teacher.  And most people are doing their own thing at the gym.  So how do you tap on someone's shoulder...without being creepy Randy?
   
I almost wish there was a sign up sheet! Or like a gym chat room! Need a buddy? Sign up here and we'll match you up! (Could bypass the awkward propositioning!)  Maybe I should put up my own sign..like in the same place where people putting their looking for a roommate signs? Set up an open call audition? 

Until I either get some excellent pointer or my perfect gym buddy falls from the sky, I guess  I'll be going it alone...trying desperately to never make eye contact with Creepy Randy again.

The Dreaded Last 10.

They say that everyone has a weight that their body feels comfortable at.  No extreme measures need to be taken to maintain it.  I think my body thinks it has found that spot.  But I'm not comfortable with it.  I know that I have more body fat available then I should have.  I know that there is even more then 10 pounds that I could lose and be at my optimal healthy weight.

I just can't get there.

It's maddening.  Now don't get all worried about me.  I am not depressed about it or particularly obsessed about it.  I have moments of frustration and this is one of them.  Because I fluctuate within 5 pounds of this number, going up a little bit if I'm more relaxed with my food.  On the random occasions we go out to dinner or I take a few nights off from working out I can expect my number on the scale to go up a few pounds.  It doesn't freak me out anymore. I know exactly what I need to do to get those few pounds back off and a week later they're gone.  But no matter how spot on I am in my nutrition and food journaling, no matter how good I do with my zone training, or no matter how intense I work out for the week, I can never break my bottom number.  I have been at a plateau at this number for about a year and a half now.

I have gone to the doctor to look at my thyroid numbers because I have some concerns that things are not functioning optimally in this area.  And I have just about every symptom. (I won't go into all of them because some are TMI). I have realized that I need to go outside of traditional medicine for this because every. single. traditional doctor I have discussed this with has been extremely dismissive because my blood work numbers fall into the median set ranges.  But they are all  on the very low end.  At one point I was working with a homeopathic doctor to address this and I felt immensely better.  I stopped going to him when I started with the eating disorder because I could no longer explain the drastic weight loss or raised blood pressure or any other red flags that were popping up.  But I realize that I need to explore a non traditional path again so I can so I can do everything I can do to make sure my body is functioning optimally, not just minimally. 

I don't know if that is the key to losing this 10 pounds, or a bit more body fat.  But I am hoping that I can feel better. Not so tired and fatigued all the time.  In the mean time, I am going to continue to focus on my over all fitness, my new instructor goals, and all of the other measures of my continued movement in the right direction.

But they say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  That's a bit how I feel every Wednesday when I get on the scale and see that same number staring back at me. Maybe it's time to step away from it...

Does the Outside Match the Inside?

It's undeniable that I have done some external work on myself.  But today someone commented that I needed to do more internal work.  It was harsh feedback.  And of course I do.  But I felt kicked down.  And even more I felt confused that all the internal work I have been doing has seemingly gone unnoticed.  So maybe it isn't apparent?  The comment bumps up into my desire for external recognition.  For most of my life I have relied on what other people thought of me to tell me what I should think about me.  For most of my life I have worried if someone didn't like me.  There have been times I should have been proud of myself, but because someone else didn't acknowledge it, I wasn't.  I have swallowed and believed every negative thing anyone has ever said about me.  It's true.  The absolute worst thing you could do was to tell me you don't like me.

When I started on this weight loss journey it was only about the size of my pants.  Crying in the middle of a plank though made it glaringly clear to me that it was so much deeper then that.  I always knew I was kind of a mess, but I didn't know why and I didn't know what to do about it.

Things have changed.  They have.  I can set boundaries for myself.  I can face things I am afraid of head on.  I am more afraid of regret then failure now.  I can get to a place where I understand that someone's crazy, though directed at me, is not necessarily about me.  I have value in what I think about myself.  I know who I am.  No, I am proud of who I am.  I am not perfect.  I can be too loud.  I can over -share.  I can be a little too direct for some people.  But I am me.

Take it or leave it.

Will Power

 This ran through my head several times today. Because I knew it was going to be a big day, both emotionally and physically.  Searching for some motivation before I took off, I found this gem.  And I am so glad because I needed to dig deep.

And I did.

It started this morning bright an early with a spin class from the instructor who is going to train me to instruct for Lifetime.  Her classes are unbelievably challenging.  Following that was my first try out with her.  And I did good.  She seemed pleased and told Mike that I did great.  I was incredibly nervous and shaky and the first song I was basically just freaking out.  But I pulled my shit together.  I have a shot here and I am not going to let myself freak myself out of it.  That's old Karen.  The new Karen pulls her shit together and does what she needs to do. 

Then after all of that, my trainer had a boxing workout with me....because clearly I needed some more cardio.  I started to panic about half way through.  "I have no more fuel." "I don't think I can do this."  "Why is he making me box?!"  But again.  Pulled myself together.  Trusted the process.  Because part of this new step is helping teach other people how to break through their walls.   So I have to keep breaking through my own.

But I realized something today probably for the first time in this whole journey.  This really is mental.  If I TELL myself I can....I can.  Has this journey been physical? Clearly you have to start somewhere, and clearly I have made massive strides in my overall fitness.  But I have still been relying on my increased strength, my increased cardiovascular capacity.  I have never truly understood that I am the one making myself doing this.  This is mental.  I did 2 1/2 hours of hard training and burned roughly 1900 calories.  And I did it.  I made myself do it and I did it. 

I have never felt so strong.

Weigh In Wednesdays

I have a complicated relationship with the scale.  The majority of the time it does not say the number I want it to say.  In fact, almost never.  I know that I have been spot on in my nutrition and my training and I get on and it's up 3 pounds.  And it takes every ounce of self control not to throw the damn thing. Or cry.  Or both. 

I am supposed to only weigh in once a week.  I am supposed to remember that it is only one way to measure progress and not the most reliable by a long shot.  I struggle with both of these rules.  I have weighed myself every day for as long as I can remember.  There have been periods of time where I have weighed myself 2 times a day and other times where I got on several times a day, completely confused as to why I had gone up or down a pound.  And while I tell myself that it is not the most reliable measure of my progress, I don't think I have every truly believed that in my heart. 

Because numbers don't lie right? And sure, I could go by the fit of my clothing, but the fit of your clothing doesn't change until you're up 10 pounds.  And I do not drop 10 pounds easily.  I never have.  And because I don't have a body fat measuring machine thing at my disposal I don't have any other tool to let me know if I'm still moving in the right direction.  So I don't want to toss it.  But I realize I can't let it control me anymore. 

The woman's blog I am following weighs in every Wednesday.  And I know that my trainer (and everyone else under the sun) has told me to only weigh in once a week. But there it sits, taunting me.  I have tried to "hide" it, but I am not an "out of sight out of mind" type of gal (as I have begged my mother to understand after she sends 10 boxes of Girl Scout cookies suggesting I just hide them so I don't eat them all in one sitting.) So this is something I have to put some will power into.  Since I check the blog every morning I am hoping that it is a reminder that she has also not gotten on that scale.