I had kind of a big week. I ran into Nancy, who is a spin instructor and trains with Mike, my trainer. I told her I was considering spin instruction. Nancy is not just any spin instructor. She is "the" spin instructor. Not only is she the Department Head at Lifetime, she is amaze balls. Like I can't walk when her class is over. There is no need to do anything else by the time she's done with me. And she's just really nice and has always been very welcoming and supportive of me. So I tell her and she immediately swoops me down the the spin studio and basically sets me up. There is a certification seminar next week she wants me to go to and she's putting my name on the guest list at Lifetime so I can come to her classes and she can basically train me. What?!!
I went from absolute excitement to all out terror in about an hour. I found myself face down in my own mud again telling myself I can't. This is beyond my reach. I'm shooting for the stars here and well, historically that has not always ended well. Mike scraped me back off the pavement once again. We once again addressed my self esteem and why I go negative. I go to the "I'm going to fail" place. "I'm not good enough." "No one else will think I'm good enough." Despite all my hard work and focus on improving my inner self as well as my outer self, I still go there. At the end of our conversation he told me to come up with new and healthy habits, daily that will keep me focused and positive and motivated. Some of them will probably sound ridiculous to anyone reading this. But that's ok. This is my gig and it isn't about what anyone else thinks. (I say that not to be lecturey but to remind myself, "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks." So here they are. Not in any particular order.
Blogs
Not only am I going to update my own blog more, I have chosen an inspiring Life Journey blog to follow. I call it that instead of a weight loss blog, because what most of us who are going through this at some point realize, is that it isn't about the weight. I mean, yes, I still freak out sometimes when that number doesn't say what I want it to say. Or what I feel like I have earned for it to say. But overall, this is about my health. It's about my strength. My progress. My determination. My resilience. Anyway, it's on my bookmark bar so I will check it every morning and start my day with some reminders and connection to someone whom I have never met, but faces some of the same demons I do.
Magazine
Most of you know I have always loved my trashy magazines. I have been telling myself that my fascination is to the drama, etc. But I think I have been lying to myself. I think I absolutely am obsessed with how they look. And in return how I don't look. So enough. I have one more subscription that comes and I will do my best to immediately put it in the recycle bin. Only fitness or other mags for me. I don't need that creeping into my sub conscience anymore. Done. Good-bye Khloe Kardashian. I think you are way cooler then Kim by a long shot. And J-Lo I will still be squatting away trying to get your butt, but I will no longer scan for it every week so I can only tell myself how I am not even close. Wish me well.
Weight Loss Shows
I love these shows. I mean, LOVE , them. Are the perfect? No. Are their results realistic for the average person trying to lose weight? Clearly not. BUT, hearing Jillian scream to "get your ass up and keep moving!!!" literally has gone across my mind when I have stopped mid circuit, exhausted. KEEP MY ASS MOVING! And Chris Powell. Oh how I love that man and wish he would move in with me for a month. For a multitude of reasons. But he has also said many things to many of these people that have made me tear up in an instant and want to race to the gym to tackle my demons. "This is the rest of your life." "Remember how badly this hurt so you never have to be here again." (I remember this quote running through my mind in an early training session with Mike. I thought I was going to die, or at the very least puke. And I remember thinking. I can never go back because this is horrible.) And these people are amazing. They are 450 pounds and running faster then I am on the treadmill. If they can do it, I can do it. So I will have this on in the background while I'm cooking instead of Dateline. Anything positive that creeps into my sub conscience will help.
Smoothie Breakfast on Off Training Days
I need to be a little bit more conscience of my eating on my off training days. I don't need the loaded egg scramble, a light and healthy smoothie will suffice. I'm not talking about slashing my caloric intake. But focusing on eating fruit and veggies and laying off the higher levels of protein. I also think that I take a day off of nutrition on my days off of training. Not horribly so. Nothing crazy. But I realize I just don't pay attention. I don't know if this is right or not. (I have yet to share this with Mike who will tell me if this is on the right track). But I do notice that I feel better eating light on my light days. And I am trying to focus on how I feel when I eat, etc instead of just the caloric number attached to each meal. I quickly become a calorie counter and have to really be intentional to focus on other things besides the numbers.
So I know this was a long one, and I appreciate anyone who took the time to read it. I have worked really really hard these past few years on all of this and the support I have gotten from people has been inspiring and needed. I am sure that it's overkill for some. I am sure that it will drive someone crazy that I have posted this. They may see it as self indulgent. That's ok. I'm not angry about that and I'm not going to let that take me down.
"It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."
Repeat 5 times daily with a side of smoothie.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Learning to Let Go
I took the summer off of my weight loss plan. Well, not really off off. But I put away the food scale, I let myself have more treats then I usually allow, I stopped tracking in my nutrition log, and I even stepped on that scale less frequently then is normal for me.
Why would I do that? Because I needed to practice relaxing. I'm all an or nothing sort of girl. But in my on going emotional health, I needed to know that I could chill out, have a cupcake, and nothing bad happened. Ok. So I gained about 5 pounds over the summer. But that was ok. I came back home, cut back out the treats, and picked up where I left off in my training.
It was really powerful for me to realize that I did not fall all the way off the mountain. I relaxed. I had fun. I went out for drinks. I had a doughnut in the morning. And the world did not stop spinning. And I did not gain 20 pounds. And....I don't have to spiral.
The food scale is back out, I just logged my food for the day, and the trainer is coming over in a bit. I took a break, (from myself) and now it's time to get back to work. I still have goals after all. I proved a lot of things to myself this summer. But this is a big one for me. I enjoyed eating. And I didn't go crazy. AND, I didn't freak out.
This. is. progress.
Why would I do that? Because I needed to practice relaxing. I'm all an or nothing sort of girl. But in my on going emotional health, I needed to know that I could chill out, have a cupcake, and nothing bad happened. Ok. So I gained about 5 pounds over the summer. But that was ok. I came back home, cut back out the treats, and picked up where I left off in my training.
It was really powerful for me to realize that I did not fall all the way off the mountain. I relaxed. I had fun. I went out for drinks. I had a doughnut in the morning. And the world did not stop spinning. And I did not gain 20 pounds. And....I don't have to spiral.
The food scale is back out, I just logged my food for the day, and the trainer is coming over in a bit. I took a break, (from myself) and now it's time to get back to work. I still have goals after all. I proved a lot of things to myself this summer. But this is a big one for me. I enjoyed eating. And I didn't go crazy. AND, I didn't freak out.
This. is. progress.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Breaking Down Walls
I did it.
I went to my alumni game. This has been a long time coming. I have been so afraid of this game, I have successfully avoided it for the past 13 years. Yep, that's commitment.
Back in the day I was alright. Not a superstar by any stretch of the imagination. But solid. I was solid. And then I hurt myself one too many times and had to come to terms with the fact that my career was over. I'd like to say I did this gracefully, but I didn't. I was devastated. Quitting lead me down a very dark path and I lost myself. I was a mess. A mess trying to pretend on the outside that I wasn't a mess. Which made me even messier.
When I started on my fitness journey, (I no longer refer to it as weight loss journey because it's so much more then just my weight- at least in my healthier moments,) I wasn't thinking about this game. I couldn't see that far ahead. But about a year ago, during some gruesome session with Mike, I began considering it. Maybe, just maybe I could play in this game. I said it out loud to Mike who, of course, started incorporating it into my training. About a month ago the old fear came back. "What if I get hurt?" "What if you don't?" he countered back. "But what if I do?" "But what if you DON'T? What if you have the time of your life?"
So I did it. And I got hurt. (rolled my ankle that I had injured a couple of weeks ago). But he was right. I had the time of my life. I saw my old teammates. I laughed. I tried my best. I think I did pretty well before I rolled it. After that let's just say I was playing more "zone" defense then man to man. And for a bit I was disappointed in myself. But that's the old me. The new me realizes that something bigger happened today. Did I play like I did when I was 17? No. Did I play as good as I wanted to? No. Did I get hurt? Yes. Did I fall? Yes. But I got back up. I didn't quit. And I had a blast. I conquered a fear. I healed a small piece of myself today.
Broke down the wall.
Next year will be even better!
I went to my alumni game. This has been a long time coming. I have been so afraid of this game, I have successfully avoided it for the past 13 years. Yep, that's commitment.
Back in the day I was alright. Not a superstar by any stretch of the imagination. But solid. I was solid. And then I hurt myself one too many times and had to come to terms with the fact that my career was over. I'd like to say I did this gracefully, but I didn't. I was devastated. Quitting lead me down a very dark path and I lost myself. I was a mess. A mess trying to pretend on the outside that I wasn't a mess. Which made me even messier.
When I started on my fitness journey, (I no longer refer to it as weight loss journey because it's so much more then just my weight- at least in my healthier moments,) I wasn't thinking about this game. I couldn't see that far ahead. But about a year ago, during some gruesome session with Mike, I began considering it. Maybe, just maybe I could play in this game. I said it out loud to Mike who, of course, started incorporating it into my training. About a month ago the old fear came back. "What if I get hurt?" "What if you don't?" he countered back. "But what if I do?" "But what if you DON'T? What if you have the time of your life?"
So I did it. And I got hurt. (rolled my ankle that I had injured a couple of weeks ago). But he was right. I had the time of my life. I saw my old teammates. I laughed. I tried my best. I think I did pretty well before I rolled it. After that let's just say I was playing more "zone" defense then man to man. And for a bit I was disappointed in myself. But that's the old me. The new me realizes that something bigger happened today. Did I play like I did when I was 17? No. Did I play as good as I wanted to? No. Did I get hurt? Yes. Did I fall? Yes. But I got back up. I didn't quit. And I had a blast. I conquered a fear. I healed a small piece of myself today.
Broke down the wall.
Next year will be even better!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Marathon?
Don't misunderstand. I am by no means declaring that I am going to do a marathon. Do I need to repeat that? I have always said there is not one ounce in me that feels like I need to do this. Not on my bucket list. It will never be a regret.
That said, I'm a competitive bastard. So when I casually mentioned that me and Andrea had very briefly discussed walking a marathon as opposed to running one and my lovingly supportive husband declared, "You can't walk a marathon!!!" something happened.
Why can't I? Are there rules that actually say you can't walk it? Will I not feel like I have accomplished something if I don't run it? Am I taking the easy way out? Turns out he only really meant that there isn't enough time to walk the marathon if you aren't a speed walker. And I don't want to do that. Those guys are bad ass. My trainer suggested that we alternate. Jog 2 miles, walk 1 etc. Now that is something I can wrap my brain around and it got me thinking...
So I did some research. Turns out marathons courses are open for 8 hours, which comes down to basically an 18 minute mile. Well, I can do that!! Especially if I alternate running and walking. There are a couple of marathons designed just for walkers but they are fairly far away. If I were to do this I would only do the Twin Cities one so I could be close to home as I am sure I would die after. (Bob has since informed me that The Twin Cities Marathon is only open for 6.....that sounds harder. lol)
I put on my running shoes this morning and decided to just see where my starting point was and if this were perhaps something achievable.
I did 10 miles. Alternating jogging and walking mile by mile.
Well I'll be damned.
I still don't know if I will do this. But it's in the back of my mind as a possibility.
That said, I'm a competitive bastard. So when I casually mentioned that me and Andrea had very briefly discussed walking a marathon as opposed to running one and my lovingly supportive husband declared, "You can't walk a marathon!!!" something happened.
Why can't I? Are there rules that actually say you can't walk it? Will I not feel like I have accomplished something if I don't run it? Am I taking the easy way out? Turns out he only really meant that there isn't enough time to walk the marathon if you aren't a speed walker. And I don't want to do that. Those guys are bad ass. My trainer suggested that we alternate. Jog 2 miles, walk 1 etc. Now that is something I can wrap my brain around and it got me thinking...
So I did some research. Turns out marathons courses are open for 8 hours, which comes down to basically an 18 minute mile. Well, I can do that!! Especially if I alternate running and walking. There are a couple of marathons designed just for walkers but they are fairly far away. If I were to do this I would only do the Twin Cities one so I could be close to home as I am sure I would die after. (Bob has since informed me that The Twin Cities Marathon is only open for 6.....that sounds harder. lol)
I put on my running shoes this morning and decided to just see where my starting point was and if this were perhaps something achievable.
I did 10 miles. Alternating jogging and walking mile by mile.
Well I'll be damned.
I still don't know if I will do this. But it's in the back of my mind as a possibility.
Monday, March 25, 2013
My Inner Zen
The past few days have been good for me.
Let me start over. The past couple of days I have been super tired and cranky. BUT, I have done some serious training and walked out of the gym feeling so much healthier. And stronger.
Tonight, my Body Pump (strength training class) instructor told me I brought good energy to the class and he enjoyed having me there.
It made me feel really good. Because I know how far I still have to go. I know the scale is not moving the way I want it to. I know that I still compare myself to others instead of comparing me to me. So it really meant something that he commented on my energy. Not my strength. Not my progress. My energy.
It's something I still need to focus on. Myself. Because I like who I am in the gym. I like how I feel. I like who I see. This doesn't come easy for me outside of the gym. I focus on the scale. And the calories. And the clothes.
My goal for the next few weeks is to stop worrying about what is not going the way I want it to go and to focus on my energy. What am I putting out into the universe? Maybe, just maybe it will come back to me.
Let me start over. The past couple of days I have been super tired and cranky. BUT, I have done some serious training and walked out of the gym feeling so much healthier. And stronger.
Tonight, my Body Pump (strength training class) instructor told me I brought good energy to the class and he enjoyed having me there.
It made me feel really good. Because I know how far I still have to go. I know the scale is not moving the way I want it to. I know that I still compare myself to others instead of comparing me to me. So it really meant something that he commented on my energy. Not my strength. Not my progress. My energy.
It's something I still need to focus on. Myself. Because I like who I am in the gym. I like how I feel. I like who I see. This doesn't come easy for me outside of the gym. I focus on the scale. And the calories. And the clothes.
My goal for the next few weeks is to stop worrying about what is not going the way I want it to go and to focus on my energy. What am I putting out into the universe? Maybe, just maybe it will come back to me.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Self Doubt
I had a rotten day today. From start to finish it just was a bad day. Not the kids. The kids were great.
So I went to spin class looking forward to just killing myself and leaving it all there. Got myself all set up, did some nice slow stretching, and jumped on.
There was a ripped woman behind me. She was chatting away with some of the other people. THen our instructor got there and ripped lady introduced herself. She's a new spin instructor at the Y. My heart sank a little bit. I have been trying to build myself up to ask about training and becoming a spin instructor. I have been doubting if I am ready for something like that or if I still have more work I need to do for myself first.
The two thoughts that kept going through my mind were a) I don't look anywhere near as fit as this woman so I was probably jumping the gun on actually becoming an instructor. And b) Even if it were possible I don't think I'll be able to get a working membership to help me pay for the training if they've already hired another instructor.
I don't know. Spent the whole ride full of doubt and upset and confused. Didn't get what I needed to get out of it. Worked hard. Sweat. Burned lots of calories. But did not walk out feeling better then when I walked in. Which was what I really needed tonight.
So I went to spin class looking forward to just killing myself and leaving it all there. Got myself all set up, did some nice slow stretching, and jumped on.
There was a ripped woman behind me. She was chatting away with some of the other people. THen our instructor got there and ripped lady introduced herself. She's a new spin instructor at the Y. My heart sank a little bit. I have been trying to build myself up to ask about training and becoming a spin instructor. I have been doubting if I am ready for something like that or if I still have more work I need to do for myself first.
The two thoughts that kept going through my mind were a) I don't look anywhere near as fit as this woman so I was probably jumping the gun on actually becoming an instructor. And b) Even if it were possible I don't think I'll be able to get a working membership to help me pay for the training if they've already hired another instructor.
I don't know. Spent the whole ride full of doubt and upset and confused. Didn't get what I needed to get out of it. Worked hard. Sweat. Burned lots of calories. But did not walk out feeling better then when I walked in. Which was what I really needed tonight.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Back to Basics
I know I haven't blogged for awhile. I've been in a pretty negative attitude about all of it. I hit a plateau. Then obsessed about the plateau. And when I obsess, I obsess. I was weighing myself 2 times every day, religiously calorie counting, working out like a crazy person, and basically sank into a hole of self doubt and depression.
My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate. As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.
And she was right.
So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me. I have felt shame for how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me. I'm a bit dramatic. I'm a bit reactive. I'm a bit over sensitive. I can be needy. I still have some more weight to lose. I could still work on improving the speed of my runs. BUT, I am strong. And I determined. And I can be funny. And I'm loyal. And I don't quit. And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs. And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.
I have come a long way. Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different. I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for myself. But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved some things that weren't on my initial list. And more importantly, I haven't given up on myself. I did that once. I will never do that again. This is my journey. Full of ups and downs and highs and lows. But all mine...
Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently. I think I stopped because the negative talk started up. "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc." But I care. This is for me. That's why I started it. I share it because I need support on this journey. And I need accountability. If no one reads it, then no one reads it. But I think it was good for me. And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.
My trainer's wife (and my friend) was the person who really helped me re-evaluate. As I was talking to her about my negative obsession a few weeks ago, she pointed out that I should take a break from thinking of my physical self and once again focus on my emotional self.
And she was right.
So while I am still working on the physical part (working out with my trainer and focusing on healthy eating), I am also trying to focus on the inside of me. I have felt shame for how I looked on the outside for so long that I still have to very actively work on loving the inside of me. I'm a bit dramatic. I'm a bit reactive. I'm a bit over sensitive. I can be needy. I still have some more weight to lose. I could still work on improving the speed of my runs. BUT, I am strong. And I determined. And I can be funny. And I'm loyal. And I don't quit. And even though its a slower run, I have lengthened my runs. And even though I still have weight to lose, I can see muscle where I didn't before.
I have come a long way. Too far to start putting myself down again and only focusing on the things I wish were different. I have not yet reached all the goals I initially set for myself. But I think what I need to remember is that I have achieved some things that weren't on my initial list. And more importantly, I haven't given up on myself. I did that once. I will never do that again. This is my journey. Full of ups and downs and highs and lows. But all mine...
Mike (my trainer) asked me if I had blogged recently. I think I stopped because the negative talk started up. "No one cares, stop being so dramatic, etc." But I care. This is for me. That's why I started it. I share it because I need support on this journey. And I need accountability. If no one reads it, then no one reads it. But I think it was good for me. And I'm refocusing on the things that make me feel good.
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