Full Circle

We're back at the Y for the summer.

I obviously have mixed feelings about this.   But Bob is taking the summer off which means a much much tighter budget to work with and the boys are dying to do all the swimming we did last summer.  Less gas money, closer access, and more physical activity for the boys all pushed me to have to face facts.

But there are no smoothies and no Knox's.

We walked in today and were greeted so warmly.  It was really nice! Everyone still remembered us and welcomed us back.  They asked about the Knox's and were happy to hear they are doing so well.  As I walked up the same stairs I walked up for a year and a half all of the memories came flooding back.  I half expected to see Mike at the desk.  No one was at the desk.

The boys ran in and the same women who worked in the child care room before were so happy to see them again! They felt welcomed and appreciated as well.  I went for the same run I have done with Mike, albeit much easier this time around, for old times sake and laughed remembering all of my stopping places.  I sprinted the same stupid hill Mike made us sprint in bootcamp and did the same set of lunges he so loves torturing us with. Then we went swimming.

I wasn't sure what I would feel walking back in.  I'm not exactly over the moon with this change.  Working with Mike has changed who I am but there is a very very large part of me deathly afraid of being on my own.  I have always done well with a coach.  I have never done well on my own.  I also didn't know if I would feel resentful in any way.  Being able to be at the affordable family friendly Y WITH my trainer and my work out buddy was the best of everything for us.  Ok, for me.  But I didn't feel that way either.  Ok, it was a little weird.  And I know there will be nights it feels incredibly lonely.  But today I felt strong.  I felt determined.  I felt grateful.  Mike did help me.  And I am more thankful then I could possibly express to him.  (Especially since he is still willing to train with me on the side). But ultimately, I am the one who did it.  I found myself in that gym and so it really doesn't matter what gym I am at.  I'm not losing myself ever again.

Run!

In the last few weeks I have increased the distance of my running.  It really is the best cardio with the highest calorie burn.  Biggest bang for my buck.  And with summer arriving I feel like I am in crunch time.  I can't say that I love it.  It is still something I force myself to do, but it is getting a little easier.

Feeling very pleased with my ability to run 3 miles I bragged to Mike.  Why I still do this I don't know.  But you know what good ol Mike did?  Gave me homework.  To run.  4.5 miles.  I realize that his role in my journey is to push me farther then I think I can go.  Trust me, he's very good at it.  But 4.5?  Really? Really?!!

Saturday I did it.  It was calling for rain but when has rain ever stopped an Oregonian?  As I started out it started to rain.  I smiled.  I'm in my element.  I loved playing games in the rain.  I would much rather train in the rain then in 95 degree heat.  But then the lightening cracked, followed by the big boom of the thunder and I second guessed my decision. It actually made me jump.  Then it began pouring. Pouring.  Some nice women pulled over and asked if I was trying to get back to the gym and if I needed a lift.  I thanked her and waved her on.  I was only on my first lap! At some point it was impossible to avoid a puddle and my shoes and socks were water logged.  I was definitely carrying some water weight around with me which was another challenge. I contemplated just running the first lap which is a little over 2 miles.  I mean, it was ridiculous.  But I decided I was already soaked so I couldn't really do anything else inside of the gym without making a mess so I may as well finish what I started.  Which has been my goal this whole time.  Finish what I start.  No excuses. (unless the excuse is that it's 95 degrees with humidity and then it's completely valid so I don't die.) Not quitting. No giving up on oneself.

I made it.  It was slow but steady.  I walked for about 30 seconds,  2 times. But I finished it.  I finished it! I ran 4.5 miles. 

He's always saying, "You are stronger then you think you are."

Today I actually believed it.

Getting There

I have struggled with watching other people around me lose weight so quickly.  My journey has been a long and slow one.  But I have to remind myself that I am not looking for a quick fix. I am looking to change my entire life....the way I view food.  The way I view exercise.  And more importantly, the way I view myself.

But... I have my small, vain goals that are always floating around in my head. I have always wanted to just walk into a store, try on some shorts, and find some.  Shorts!!! I haven't worn shorts for years.  Capris, yes.  Skirts, sure.  But shorts?! No way.

I ordered these on line. ON. LINE. And in a size smaller then the ones I ordered ON LINE a month ago.  AND they're Calvin Kleins.  I have never been able to wear these brand names. They aren't made with the same amount of stretch. But today...today I put them on and they fit like a glove. And I LOVE them.

5K anyone?

Last year I ran a 5K with Andrea (Mike's wife). It was horrible. I technically made it but stopped at least 4 different times around the lake. Her children beat me. By a lot.

I have done some running with Mike off and on.  I have crappy knees so pavement running isn't my favorite. Ok, no running is my favorite. But lately I have been realizing that I am enjoying it more.  My knees only hurt if I do it too many days in a row, I can go longer, and I'm not gasping for air and embarrassed by my performance.  I can actually see why some people do this.

Last week I ran 2 miles on the treadmill, which last summer was the furthest I had ever done.  I haven't even attempted to run longer then that.  And I only did that because it was homework.  And I'm an oldest child so i follow the rules when they are given to me.  Coach says run 2 miles, fine. I'll run 2 miles. When I got to the end of the second mile, I realized that I wasn't really all that tired.  So I decided to try going to 2.5. Made it.  Turned off the treadmill feeling very pleased with myself.  As I was walking away, I realized I still wasn't done.  I got back on that stupid thing and finished my 3.1 miles.

I did it. I ran 3 miles.

I told Mike.  Who of coarse gave me homework. (WHY do I tell him things?) My homework was to run around the lake.  The lake where I sort of ran the 5K.  The lake that has hills.  Damn it.

So Mother's Day morning, (who am I?) I decided to go for it.  And I made it! And I beat my time the previous summer by 4 minutes.

I have been doing high interval training and it' hard.  And I find myself once again feeling like I will never be able to do it.  It's too hard.  But running that 5K should do nothing but show me that when I decide to believe in myself I am capable of anything.

Adjustments

I had my heart rate test this morning at the gym.  I was super anxious about it and mostly afraid that I wouldn't be able to run as long or as hard as the test required.  Bob laughed at me and called me crazy for competing with...myself.  My neighbor pointed out that I am in better shape then I give myself credit for.  But there is still the little voice in the back of my head that tries to tell me I'm not good enough. I'm getting better about pushing past her, but the thought still pops up.

The test itself was not hard.  You have to run at increasing speed and increasing incline on the treadmill while this machine tracks your heart rate and your oxygen intake.  That wasn't the hard part believe it or not.  The hard part for me was that you have to wear this mask that is hooked up to the machine.  It was horrible.  I just wanted to rip the damn thing off the entire time.  I tried very hard to just focus on my breathing, which is not a strength of mine anyway...I tend to huff and puff.  The other hard part was that you can't eat before the test.  So by the time I got there, at 10am, I was shaky I was so hungry.  Thank God the uber expensive hoity toity gym we now go to has a cafe on site!

I still haven't sat down with Mike yet to really go over the results, just had a quick review with the guy who did the testing with me.  In a nutshell, I think, the test shows that my body burns fat pretty effectively, but not carbohydrates.  And that I burn the most fat in zones 2 and 3, which is basically a heart rate between 175-185. This is good information to know.  I was also told to up my protein and healthy fat.  I will get to go over it at my training session Thursday a bit more so I may need to correct my initial understanding. The particularly exciting news is that he told me I am in pretty good shape. (Thank you Mike) and that I am on the higher end of performance and oxygen intake compared to other people who work out! YES! See Bob, I WAS competing against someone else!!

I know that making more adjustments means I am continuing to meet my goals.  I have to continuously adjust my behavior and thinking based on what level I am at.  It's not enough to just count calories in vs. out.  I really need to figure out how my body processes food and how I need to be training.  It's very interesting, a bit frustrating (I have never been particularly good with change), but a good challenge.  There is no stopping me.  I am close to meeting my initial weight loss goal and am actually excited to hit it so I can set a new goal.

I no longer feel like I just 'was an athlete'. I feel like I have found that part of myself again.

I AM an athlete. 

Living the Dream

I am getting to a point in my weight loss that I LOVE shopping again.  This is a blessing and a curse.  For so long now I have had one pair of jeans...because they are the only ones that fit.  And five of the same t-shirts...in different colors.  One dress that hid my tummy a little bit more.  I used to look for clothes that had to have a certain amount of stretch in them so they fit better.  I wore lots of baggy sweatshirts.  I wore my hair straight more often because I thought my face looked thinner.  Freaked out if anything got put into the dryer for fear of it shrinking.  All these little tricks that I thought hid my body.  Who was I fooling besides myself?

Things are changing.  I just got a package in the mail from some gift cards I received.  A dress that was a size medium, a pair of Calvin Klein jean shorts, and another pair of bemuda shorts. I bought these all on line.  The dress looks amazing.  The Calvin Klein's fit!!! (I have always wanted Calvin Kleins but they are not made with a lot of stretch.) And the Bemuda shorts were HUGE on me.

I did a happy dance. Ok, I did a few happy dances.  I can buy something sight unseen and it fits. I don't cry when I try on jeans anymore.  Sure some of them still aren't the right style for me.  And sure I'm a size up or a size down depending on the brand.  But I'm not quietly ashamed of myself. 

I needed a boost. Been feeling crappy because I can't train hard with my muscle pull (it is getting a little better) have had an ongoing headache all week, and Easter candy kicked the shit out of me.  So the package from Macy's came at the perfect time!!

I could get into this.

Pulled Muscle

I have pulled a muscle in my upper leg.  And it hurts. I am on a steady diet of advil, stretching, and icing and it doesn't really ever feel better! I am trying not to panic, but I'm totally panicking.  I have taken two days off in a row for two weeks and it doesn't seem to help.  Summer is almost here and I can't afford to take a chunk of time off. Can I? Can I not?

Ugh.